Wednesday, July 30, 2008


I’ll sing along
The whole day through
Just do your best to hear me
It’s all you can do

You have my attention
Like you’ve had all the while
Since that first day when you made my heart smile
With loving eyes and tired sighs that flow
You have my attention
Like a shout through an empty sanctuary
Speak but a whisper

I’ll hear a sermon.
Hahaha. I have no idea.

Let me know if you're really a dream.
I wish it would rain.
God, I wish it would pour.

I don't know why this week should be labeled weepy.

Well. I asked You to teach me patience. And now I'm learning it in the most potent, agonizing way possible, I think.

Give me the strength, because I don't have to tell You that I'm about to scream in frustration; You already know my heart. Give me the strength; I know I don't have it alone.

We say, "Oh Lord! Teach me patience!", expecting that God will quiet our hearts and help us simply to think about other things as a way to stop being so lonely. That is not how He is teaching me. I have learned something completely new about my faith today.

Maybe You are teaching me in the best way even though I don't see it; maybe You are mending my heart from the things that came long ago that I still haven't recovered from.

I don't do well when things aren't "fair". Someone... please

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

We Interrupt this Scheduled Programming to Bring You an Emo Moment

[insert frustrated tears here]

Today is so hard. Can you help me to forget?

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

Take these broken wings and learn to fly; all your life.

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you
Tomorrow I'll miss you
Remember I'll always be true.
Listing again. Work is tiring me out.

1. I no longer understand what forever looks like.
2. I just want to make a difference in the small time that is given to me.
3. I love my coworkers.
4. I miss you.
5. I hate to cry in front of other people.
6. I get to see my Daddy on Thursday :)
7. Just got a cool idea for a new piece.
8. Don't wanna go down and unload the dishwasher.
9. The Politics of God are sticky.
10. It's time.

Monday, July 28, 2008

California, Rest in Peace. Simultaneous release.

More listing, because today I'm lazy.

1. I worship best through music.
2. I wish I had another vacation this summer; definitely missing the beach...
3. I don't know what happened, and it makes my heart oh-so-sad.
4. Everyone always asks about my favourite song/band. I've never really been able to answer... and then "Dani California" by Chili Peppers came on my iPod. It's been one of my most favourite, and every time I hear it I play it over 10 times and rock out and never tire. So for now, it has Favourite Status. First song in the history of Erin to have the title.
5. In such an artsy mood :)
6. I love love love my red shoes <3
7. I feel like an old lady half the time. Just sent in my retirement plan papers for my 403B and got my own policy at Geico. Wahh childhood, where are you hiding? Come back out and let's play. Please?
8. Viewing my possible new apartment on Saturday; pretty stoked.
9. I want a nice camera SOOO bad. I could work wonders with it, I'm sure.
10. Hoping to see my dad this week/weekend for his birthday.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

And I've discovered that my castle stands on pillars of salt and pillars of sand.

I think that maybe we both need to stop pretending that we weren't hurt.
Maybe you're still shaking from it just like me.
Take my hand; stay my trembling fingers.
If you only knew.
...I would never do that to you. Ever.
I'm so tired of false promises.
Sometimes I think you are too.
Thing is, with pain comes wisdom.
I no longer make empty promises.
I know how they tend to turn out.
It's the reason I am so hesitant, so insecure
If you didn't know; if you hadn't've guessed it by now
And you're too special, too incredible to just say it in the moment
I've gotta mean this.
You deserve the very, very, very best.
Can't put enough very's there.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Alleluia - You are the reason in everything. You are all my reasons.

Every valley 
Every bitter chill
Made me ready to climb back up the hill
And find that . . .

You are sunrise
You are blue skies
How would I know the morning
If I knew not midnight?

You’re my horizon
You’re the light of a new dawn
So thank You, thank You
That after the long night, You are sunrise
One of those days that starts out really crummy,
but God suddenly says, "Hey, I made the world.
Look around, it
's beautiful. And I'm going to show it to you."
And then He does.
In the arms of Your mercy, I find rest
'Cause You know just how far the East is from the West
From one scarred hand to the other

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Help... please.

I wanna get carried away
I wanna get tossed by Your waves
I don't care where or how deep
I'm gonna jump in with both feet.
I wanna get carried away
I wanna get lost in Your ways
I wanna be held by Your truth
I wanna behold all of You.
I'm gonna be all Yours today.

I always forget how much I owe You on a daily basis. Your enduring faithfulness amazes me still. I stand in awe of You.

I have asked You before, and You have granted it to me; once again, please give my heart peace. Help me with the struggles I know I don't even need to speak aloud for You to know. Teach me patience; I know that now is the time to learn. Guide me in everything I do.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

All go, no quit.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

We live and we learn to take one step at a time

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of

Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance

And I know that You will give me the courage to do all the things I know I must.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil. 4:13

So many new things. Sometimes my heart feels like it might burst with excitement.
I can't wait to see you again. Goodness gracious, you are wonderful.

Such a song in my heart!

And here is a self portrait work in progress. I apologize for the shoddy quality, it was a quick screenshot. New style, old technique.

Monday, July 21, 2008

This crazy, mixed up thing we all call life.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

When It Rains

And oh, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
Disclaimer: I am going to rant. There will be bad words involved. Sorry, I am having a hard time.

Okay. One two three, breathe. ...go.

I am so tired of my damn, stupid fears. Here I am, so blessed... and I can't be truly truly truly happy like I know I deserve/should/want to be. Because I am held back by fear. I am held back by fear of history repeating itself. And I'm tired of it. I want that little voice in my head to go away. I want to put all of my stupid, old doubts that no longer have any grounding and box them up and shove them off, and put them across the sea and away from me. And I want that box to sink to the depths of the ocean and be lost for a thousand years. For so long, I will forget that I even had those doubts and those fears. I want it to leave me alone so I can be the Erin I know is still around, buried under all the layers of bad-relationship garbage. The Erin that loves unconditionally, uncontrollably, with wild abandon, with no restraint, without hope or agenda. The Erin who trusts like her trust has never been broken before. The Erin that hopes above all things because God has given her a hopeful, sunny mind, the Erin that leaps in because she just knows and feels, the Erin who isn't afraid to be open and honest and who doesn't lock away certain parts of her heart. The Erin who, when it is given, gives her whole, complete heart.

God gave me a big heart for a reason: so it could be filled with the big heart of someone else. So it could love wholly, so it could love for a lifetime and never tire.
That's it. Fear, goodbye. I dismiss you. Into your box you go and across the sea and down to the bottom so I can forget you.

Could you fix it? We've got time, and right now that's all I want. Just time with you.
Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me


Today is one of those days when the sky is gray all day and you know that it's just aching to burst open and let out all of its rain. Rather, I suppose I am the one aching for it to burst. I'd go out and stand in it and just close my eyes. The best weather comes when it's sticky hot and it grows dark, dark, darker - unnaturally dark for the time of day. There is excitement there, when the humidity pushes against all of your pores and invades all of your senses. And you can just smell the rain and you can't see your shadow no matter which way you turn. You hear the storm boil, and that first crack of lightning and roll of thunder bring an inevitable smile to your face. And then you start to feel cool pricks all over your bare skin. Finally, you are drenched.

It is my favourite because it reminds me of when I was a little girl.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Today has never happened before. I realize more every day.

Just a little more time, be patient.
I don't think I will ever understand death.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

So have I.

But I'm willing to learn. Are you? You're worth it.

Goodness, you're so worth it.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Half the Time I Can't Explain My Heart

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
Make you believe that this one (me) is different
Make you forget that you've ever been hurt

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love.

Monday, July 14, 2008

The Suck, When it Comes

I hate when the hard times come. No, I am not upset or distressed at the moment. This is not something I would define as a "hard time". I'm actually just really tired. Sweet Jesus, why did You allow them to create 40 hour weeks? Oh yes, so we could all pay for gas. :P

Ironically, I know that the hard times and the suckiness is what makes everything worthwhile in the end. But sometimes I just hope to get through the suck alive. The difference comes when you realize that - even if the world is falling to bits and everything's hard and awkward - you realize that you're not willing to let go of their hand, for anything. And that's what makes the suckiness worthwhile: when you've got someone who's thinking the same thing.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

If I Had My Own World, I'd Build You an Empire

...and the reality is that I would.

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Maybe, maybe.

If I had my own world
I'd build you an empire
From here to the far lands
To spread love like violence

Let me feel you, carry you higher
Watch your words spread hope like fire
Secret crowds rise up and gather
Hear your voices sing back louder.

Maybe one day. Maybe you would. Maybe I really could. Maybe it would be the greatest thing.
So close
So close
And still so far.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

I Can Almost Believe that I'm Almost Enough

Sometimes I wonder if I feel the same way about you that you feel about me. Wouldn't that be wonderfully revealing?

I am not accustomed to showing the depths of my feelings with any kind of freedom from fear. I have learned to give bland expressions of how I really feel in order to protect myself in the future. This iron mold has cramped my muscles and warped my lips into frowns. It has crushed my wings, it has twisted my ankles, it has deafened me.

I must break free, because honestly,

I miss everything about you. I miss your laughs. I miss when you kiss my forehead. I miss walks. I miss holding your hand. I miss being silent with you. I miss the hallway in Frey. I miss how you smell. I miss how light my heart feels when you're around. I miss the butterflies that form in my stomach whenever you walk in. I miss how you tower over me. I miss your smile.

Monday, July 7, 2008

"I make lists in my sleep, baby, what's my sin? : Never quit, I follow through."

1. I am singing to RENT to ease loneliness.
2. It's 10:45pm and I'm exhausted from my first day.
3. I love harmony.
4. I guess there's time for everyone else except for me - so disheartening. Done investing I suppose, because you are obviously done with me for no reason at all. :/
5. I am painting my bedroom this weekend, which is exciting. I love to decorate and I've got quite a few ideas up my sleeve.
6. I love my job.
7. I am unbelievably ready for it to be August when all of my friends move back to Hburg.
8. I want an adventure. So. Badly.
9. I want to hold you. Goodness, I just want to hold you sometimes.
10. It's thunderstorming and it's beautiful.

Sunday, July 6, 2008

Life as a Real Person Begins Tomorrow.

About to take the next step.

Everything I am I owe to Your enduring faithfulness. Thank you.
In Christ alone my hope is found.
He is my light, my strength, my song.
This Cornerstone, this solid ground -
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love,
What depths of peace,
When fears are stilled,
When strivings cease.
My Comforter.
My All in All.
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

You speak secret words that only you mean
And you charm me,
All the same.
For I am dying to decipher.
How many times did you reach for my hand and I walked away simply because I didn't know?

I can see that you're different.

Friday, July 4, 2008

Let it Be

I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom:
'I want you to let it be, yeah yeah
Let it be
Let it be
Let it be
Oh, there's gonna be an answer -
I want you to let it be, yeah yeah'.
Trying to let it be.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

I Reflect A lot

All I want is for you to hold me close
and dance with me in the kitchen.
Spin me around, let me rest my head
Against your strong chest.
I'll let you lead.
I promise.


It is offically 4am and I just read through over a year of my old livejournal.

I was miserable... how could I call that love?
And now I see so clearly... now I see you. And it's all I can do to keep from smiling like never before.

Not Just Art, but I'm also a Music Girl. Who Would've Thought?

I miss musical theatre.
I miss singing with others and feeling music surrounding me.
I miss being engulfed in harmony.

I love art, but I didn't realize how little time I would have for all of my other passions. I am determined to join a church choir, at LEAST.

Funny thing is, I didn't even realize at the time that I was throwing myself into art wholeheartedly. I didn't realize I would be giving away a huge huge part of me. I knew nothing about art at the beginning, other than I had a natural knack for it. I'd never even had an art class. I look back and realize that my whole high school career is just a fond memory. And that makes me happy and sad at the same time. Kind of hard to explain. A lot of what I learned then is used every day now. I never get stage fright. I love public speaking - it doesn't bother me at all. Tonight I found all of my Godspell pictures from my first production, all of my music books, and an old CD of "Baby", which has the spunkiest music (download "Two People in Love" for something that will make you smile - see below for the lyrics).

I love being on stage. It feels like home. Goodness, I miss it so badly sometimes.

Funnier thing is, unless you knew me back then, you probably would have no idea. You probably have never heard me sing. Sad in a way. I studied music with my voice teacher for 4 years; opera, contemporary, broadway, everything really. I sung in downtown Baltimore in an opera festival. I was in over 7 musicals, sung in concert choir for 3 years, lead worship band for 3 as well.

Where did this part of me go?

I will change this. I want that half of me back.

Music moves me, and I want to be able to move others with my music again.
I'm having a vision
I suddenly see it:
The magnitude of two people in love!
How could I have missed it?
It had to have been there...
But I needed you to show me.
We have so much power that's locked inside us
Every time I touch you, it flows!
The energy of,
Capacity of,
The infinite sweep of two people,
Two people in love!

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

You are there // I am here.

...sometimes the need for reflection helps us to sort out all that is going on. I suspect that this will be a longer post. I think I really need to just say some things.

So many times in my life I wonder about my purpose. I was the girl who could spend hours upon hours in a refrigerator box. I was the girl who coloured her life with oranges and reds and aquas. I was the girl who never tired of dress-up. I was the girl who would not let her younger sister see her cry when their father drove off. I was the girl who loved life with such a vibrant fierceness that she thought her heart would often burst out of her chest. Sometimes I have to break free and run until my legs burn. Sometimes I have to paint until my eyes burn. Sometimes I have to stand in the rain. Sometimes I have to be quiet and listen. I was the girl who never gave up, even when she thought there was no way out. God has saved me, in so many ways.

If only I could just say the things I want to say. So openly, so freely.

I wish I was a more poetic writer. I wish I could tell you how much I care for you.

I have talked before about wanting something so badly that words were not sufficient to express the desire. Here I am, once again, sitting in agony, trying to say exactly what it is I know I cannot. I have many moments like this. God swells in my heart so frequently, and I so frequently feel my human inadequacy. The world is incredibly, deeply, and powerfully beautiful. I am constantly knocked flat on my back by the wonder of God's creation. How does God create colours? How did He know that certain ones could make our hearts beat faster? God knows me well enough to know when my heart nearly breaks because of the beauty in the world. There are just some things I cannot say. When I look at you, when you are asleep, I see more than you might imagine. I was born with the gift to see things differently - the gift of seeing as an artist - of seeing the beauty in everything. You are by far the thing that I see the most wonder in; the thing that I cannot comprehend how God could make someone like you. You have taught me so much already, and I don't think you could know how quickly you captured my heart. I didn't realize it until it was already a done deal. And then I sat, dumbfounded, laughing, at the reality of it.

I am afraid to tell you. That is how I am. There are so many things I don't know how to put into words. Hard things that I don't think I can say just yet. And yet, against all my rational reasons for things, I find myself hoping and hoping. I am afraid to hope. There, I said it. I am afraid to be abandoned. There, I said it.

But I believe that my purpose is to love. And be loved. Again, I speak about something I hope for and desire more than I could possibly say. I long to give my children the things I never had. I long for them to know a whole, happy family - not a broken one. There are so many things I want.

I don't know what else to say.
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