Wednesday, July 2, 2008

You are there // I am here.

...sometimes the need for reflection helps us to sort out all that is going on. I suspect that this will be a longer post. I think I really need to just say some things.

So many times in my life I wonder about my purpose. I was the girl who could spend hours upon hours in a refrigerator box. I was the girl who coloured her life with oranges and reds and aquas. I was the girl who never tired of dress-up. I was the girl who would not let her younger sister see her cry when their father drove off. I was the girl who loved life with such a vibrant fierceness that she thought her heart would often burst out of her chest. Sometimes I have to break free and run until my legs burn. Sometimes I have to paint until my eyes burn. Sometimes I have to stand in the rain. Sometimes I have to be quiet and listen. I was the girl who never gave up, even when she thought there was no way out. God has saved me, in so many ways.

If only I could just say the things I want to say. So openly, so freely.

I wish I was a more poetic writer. I wish I could tell you how much I care for you.

I have talked before about wanting something so badly that words were not sufficient to express the desire. Here I am, once again, sitting in agony, trying to say exactly what it is I know I cannot. I have many moments like this. God swells in my heart so frequently, and I so frequently feel my human inadequacy. The world is incredibly, deeply, and powerfully beautiful. I am constantly knocked flat on my back by the wonder of God's creation. How does God create colours? How did He know that certain ones could make our hearts beat faster? God knows me well enough to know when my heart nearly breaks because of the beauty in the world. There are just some things I cannot say. When I look at you, when you are asleep, I see more than you might imagine. I was born with the gift to see things differently - the gift of seeing as an artist - of seeing the beauty in everything. You are by far the thing that I see the most wonder in; the thing that I cannot comprehend how God could make someone like you. You have taught me so much already, and I don't think you could know how quickly you captured my heart. I didn't realize it until it was already a done deal. And then I sat, dumbfounded, laughing, at the reality of it.

I am afraid to tell you. That is how I am. There are so many things I don't know how to put into words. Hard things that I don't think I can say just yet. And yet, against all my rational reasons for things, I find myself hoping and hoping. I am afraid to hope. There, I said it. I am afraid to be abandoned. There, I said it.

But I believe that my purpose is to love. And be loved. Again, I speak about something I hope for and desire more than I could possibly say. I long to give my children the things I never had. I long for them to know a whole, happy family - not a broken one. There are so many things I want.

I don't know what else to say.

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