Sunday, July 20, 2008

When It Rains

And oh, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
Disclaimer: I am going to rant. There will be bad words involved. Sorry, I am having a hard time.

Okay. One two three, breathe. ...go.

I am so tired of my damn, stupid fears. Here I am, so blessed... and I can't be truly truly truly happy like I know I deserve/should/want to be. Because I am held back by fear. I am held back by fear of history repeating itself. And I'm tired of it. I want that little voice in my head to go away. I want to put all of my stupid, old doubts that no longer have any grounding and box them up and shove them off, and put them across the sea and away from me. And I want that box to sink to the depths of the ocean and be lost for a thousand years. For so long, I will forget that I even had those doubts and those fears. I want it to leave me alone so I can be the Erin I know is still around, buried under all the layers of bad-relationship garbage. The Erin that loves unconditionally, uncontrollably, with wild abandon, with no restraint, without hope or agenda. The Erin who trusts like her trust has never been broken before. The Erin that hopes above all things because God has given her a hopeful, sunny mind, the Erin that leaps in because she just knows and feels, the Erin who isn't afraid to be open and honest and who doesn't lock away certain parts of her heart. The Erin who, when it is given, gives her whole, complete heart.

God gave me a big heart for a reason: so it could be filled with the big heart of someone else. So it could love wholly, so it could love for a lifetime and never tire.
That's it. Fear, goodbye. I dismiss you. Into your box you go and across the sea and down to the bottom so I can forget you.

Could you fix it? We've got time, and right now that's all I want. Just time with you.

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