Sunday, March 29, 2009

For Four Different Men.

I don't know who you are.


Somehow I must find the strength to endure.
I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Maybelle, in the Sky

Finished painting. Went back to some of my older techniques... it felt good :) Please click the image for a larger view.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

I Live Here on my Knees

There is so much to be thankful for.

Sometimes I have to scold myself for not being as grateful as I should be; I receive so much grace.

I am trying to learn how to be content with where I'm at. There is so much I want to do, but sometimes wisdom comes when you realize that in order to accomplish what you want, you need to be steadfast and patient. Sometimes it does not mean jumping ahead and doing what you want, when you want, even when you want it so badly that your skin seems to be pulling you in a thousand directions at once and it feels as though your heart is leaping from your chest. Sometimes wisdom requires acknowledging your blessings and meeting your challenges head on so that you can learn from them and become stronger and more resilient.

But then what can be said on behalf of inspiration?

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Rejecting my Broken Past.

Someday I want a daughter so that I can tell her all the things I've learned and how beautiful she is. I want to hold her hand and help her jump in puddles when it rains. I wish for her to look at me the way I see my mother, as someone who has overcome.

Friday, March 20, 2009

When I was a kid, I read that kisses taste like chicken | They don't.

A funny thing happens when you no longer know someone: you realize that can't put their face with your memories anymore. It's as if your memories are an imposter... or is it the person you're staring at? Like that gut-flinch you get when you look up into the mirror and you think, "Gosh, that... is me", but you don't recognize yourself. I am always startled by this phenomenon that seems to happen to me every so often... one would think that I have drawn myself enough to have my own features cemented into my brain, but no. They still occasionally surprise me.

This week was just down-right weird. A lot of crazy stuff happened... all of which I am opting out of sharing on here. I get continually frustrated with myself, at my lack of initiative. Last night I was explaining to someone that I try to be "on the ball" as much as possible, and we had a good laugh about how we try to always appear to be on the ball so that everyone will think we're so together, when we're really clawing our way upwards and haven't actually managed to attain anything beyond the ordinary. Ironic, really. I'm glad someone understands how I feel, at least. Then I don't feel so inadequate. Perhaps none of us are really ever "on the ball"? What does that even mean?

Back to the point: I despise my lack of "just do it-ness". I feel like I have a ton of great ideas - especially for work for grad school - and then as soon as I get my chance and my free time, I just pop on the TV or surf the internet. I keep telling myself, "5 more minutes and I'll get started, 5 more minutes". It's exhausting to battle oneself. I wish I could learn to prioritize better. Maybe I need a rubberband around my wrist or something. I get discouraged when I feel like I've wasted my time on idleness - and even worse - that I could've done something about it but I consciously and deliberately chose not to. I don't know why I'm seemingly obsessed with always doing something and feeling guilty for sitting on my butt... perhaps I'm so used to having to multitask and run around like a chicken with my head cut off that I don't know how to operate otherwise.

This life is growing tiresome and unfulfilling; change is in order.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

You say you want a revolution? Well, you know.

My feet tread the steps that my eyes can't see.

[ Work in P r o g r e s s ]

I've been getting more art gigs lately... I've joined the art team at Daybreak church and am working on some photography and graphics projects for their slides, website, and special events. I've also been contacted to audition for a screenplay... pretty interesting stuff. Also have had a few people inquire about my photos on my site...

I wish the sun would come out.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

It's been eighteen days since I first held you.

I am so tired of this cycle of getting my hopes up, only to be disappointed again.

Can I ever expect to be impressed? Or should I just resign myself to disappointment for the rest of my life?

I want to cry, but nothing comes out; I guess I could cry if I was surprised... but I'm not.

One day I hope to look back on this post and shake my head at my lack of faith.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Onward and Upward

"There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
It's always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side --
It's the climb."

My life feels so new today :) I love Spring; my heart is so sunny.

Praise God for keeping my dad safe during his surgery <3

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Rompe Rompe Rompe <3

What a night. Wow.

:) :) :)

I love my crazy beautiful ridiculous priceless laughable life.

Friday, March 6, 2009

I wanna know; can you show me?

I just know there's something bigger out there.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I Do This from Time to Time | <3

...I can't believe it's March. Where did time go? I feel as though I am more acutely aware of the passage of time than ever before in my life. When I was a student, I sprinted through time by deadlines and assignments on the skin of my teeth, now I run marathons through time in calling weeks.

2 weeks is Messiah's Spring Break, and before I can blink it will be Easter, and then before I can take a breath it will be Graduation.

I want my life to burst into bloom. I miss singing in a band. I want to spend more time having fun. I want to take a walk outside. I want to get to know you. I miss my long hair. I want to paint more. I can't wait to open the windows. I can't wait for sunshine and picnics and shorts and longer days and renewed hope.

It's frightening how quickly time has passed since Christmas. I keep reminding myself to "get on the ball." I'm just happy to be alive and well sometimes. I just want to be able to stop and smell the roses.

"Let's make this a new world; I swear you can go if you want to."

Life's waiting to begin.
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