Saturday, April 2, 2011

Why I'm Single.

Let's take a personal, almost-non-art moment here, little blog.

I am not sure if I'm meant to be with someone for the rest of my life. I don't mean this is in a weepy, annoying "where is the right man for meeeee?!" way. In fact, the opposite. At the moment, I am happily single. I have been for three years. I can't deny that in the past it's been nice to be able to count on someone (I did have a 5 year relationship, afterall, and we were practically married), but part of me seriously wonders what the future will bring.

For the past year, I have been incredibly focused on getting my career to where I want it to be. I strongly and firmly hold onto the belief that my career will never wake up one day and tell me it doesn't love me, while a man? Well. After several boyfriends pulling this awesome tactic, it just leaves a woman ready to count on other things, and rightfully so. I can always count on myself, God, and my talents to be with me; who can blame me for relying on these instead of past disappointments? And the weird thing is, I'm just content. Sure, I have moments of loneliness, but I am overall content and focused. I really just want to have fun.

I guess the catalyst to this post was an incident out at the bar. Tonight I was out with some girlfriends, and we snagged a table near two friends in their mid-thirties. At one point, while one woman was screaming on the phone, her friend turned to us and shouted, "NEVER GET MARRIED!". To make a long story short, we got most of the horrifying story of this woman's divorce, and how she had to pick up the phone because this dude would apparently show up at her house if she didn't, and how she'd already called the cops on him several times. Apparently it got pretty ugly.

My friends seemed to just shrug it off after they left, but I took this to heart. I don't want my life to turn into Miller-Lites-and-screaming-matches-at-the-bar without me knowing it. I wish there was a better way to say this, but I simply don't put a lot of faith in the institution of marriage anymore. I mean, I want to. But there's not much evidence that it works out most of the time. I know if and when I say my vows, I want to mean them with all my heart, but I come from a broken home, and I learned at a very young age that in the end, it's everyone for themselves. My mother taught me how to be independent so I could always go on if I had no one else but myself. She taught me how to be strong, and how to count on myself instead of relying on someone else. Because you never know. And I've learned that the hard way.

When confronted with the possibility of maybe dating again, I feel I tend to shy away. I just prefer to do what I want, and I have no idea where I'm going to "end up", so the prospect of a boyfriend in this nomadic period in my life is sort of silly to me. All I know is that the only thing I'm ready to take seriously is my art, and my career. Art brings me so much joy and so much purpose, and that's all I want from my life right now.

Blackbird singin' in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life; you were only waiting 
for this moment to arise.


  1. Miri, I know you're not seeking approval from other people, but I can tell you confidently, that you're perfect where you are emotionally. I only wish I could be as strong as you are! :D

    Anyway, just look at it as a "if it happens, it happens" sort of thing. If you're meant to get married and have a family (who says you need to find a man for that? You can always adopt!), then you will. If not, well, you sound perfectly happy just the way you are. ^_^

    Besides, the best romances always come about when you're not looking for them, and especially if you're trying to avoid them. ;)

  2. thank you for summing up where i am in life, as well:)

    love you

    thanks for the glee shout out to an awesome song too:):)

    erin i really feel ya! good for you and thanks to our Lord for fulfillment through the arts and self, made possible via God's gracious love. amen? ha! stay well.

  3. Kristina - Thanks so much for the kind words. You summed it up perfectly: I'm totally cool if something undeniable falls into my lap, but I certainly feel no need to go out and chase it down. When it happens, it happens :) And hah, I wish it were strength... it's really just the selfish desire to keep my heart safe. Been pretty hurt, have a few horror stories (who doesn't?) so I'm not in a rush to put myself on the line again. Thanks again for your words, they mean a lot :)

    Kori - Ahhhhh how are you babe?! It's been forever :) I love you back, how's AZ? I know, especially having freelanced for almost a full year, I've repeatedly seen God's providence in my life. I'm glad you could relate to my post, we need to seriously catch up girl :) And hooray for Glee! I'm such a fan ;)

  4. I just happened to be your newest followers and I got to say you've put my exact current feelings to words.. The only difference is I just got out of a 2 year relationship! But I feel like I have lost my ineterest in dating and very happy remain single for a while! :)

  5. It always happens when you're not looking, or don't want it to. Always lol

    Happened to me, and I got really lucky.
    I had a wonderful guy chase me down a couple of years ago. Now we're married, and he's in the army so that we can have a stable future together.
    He's taking care of me and my health [our reason for getting married so early in life was so that I could gain his health benefits from the Army].
    He's my best friend, and I'm just so lucky.

    I'd never been the type to go looking for love. But he came out of nowhere when I was at my worst. I needed him the most at that time, and didn't even know it.

    It's just crazy how things work out.

    I believe there's someone out there for everyone, and you'll find them when you're ready but don't know that you are xD


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