You Didn't Say Goodnight.

You are the one I want and the only one I can't keep.

Nothing helps.

Bury it, deeply.

Only Thing to do is Jump Over the Moon

I'm just gonna say it.

I miss being in love.

I am ready for someone to light up my heart, give me butterflies. I am ready for the chase, I am ready for the thrilling rush of just sitting next to that person. I am ready, but the timing couldn't be worse. I'm thinking of moving back East to New York sometime in 2011(I REALLY want to live there at some point), depending on how things are going job-wise in California, but I know that I don't want to be on the Left Coast forever. I'm also set on going back to school, so depending on where I apply, I might be there. Wherever that may be. My dad says it will happen when I least expect it.

I hope he's someone really cool.

As You Come Bursting In | Like a Coffeeshop on a Cold Night

As 2009 draws to a close, I have been thinking a lot about this past year and how different life is since last January, and how different life will become as we bound joyfully into 2010. In the artist community I belong to, hundreds of people were filling out the following Meme:

A Year's Worth of Art | 2009
(click for larger version)




















Obviously, I decided I must do my own, and above is the result. It got me thinking a lot about how I make my art, and where I want to go with it. When posting the calendar to my DA account, I wrote the following sentiments:

"It's definitely been a time of transition for me. From working in the Development Dept of my college in Pennsylvania, dreaming of free time to paint... to busy, sunny Los Angeles to work for a Fashion Designer and having that influence my work in so many ways; I am really grateful for all of the experiences I had this year - good and bad. I have learned a lot about myself.

While I don't necessarily see an explosive leap of skill, I think I have been working diligently to increase my understanding of art and how I paint. (I have noticed, however, that I paint a lot of dark haired girls. Can't help it...) I have been especially focusing on lighting, composition, and rendering this past year. My goal for 2010 will be to become even better at lighting and mood and overall "togetherness" of a piece. I want to do more "whole" paintings with BGs, multiple characters, etc etc. This is a year to really challenge myself.

Thank you guys so much for supporting me. I am excited about what 2010 will bring!"

I have a long way to go, but there have been so many people encouraging me. I have a lot of people who watch my work and give me critique, and for them I am so thankful. Especially for the encouragement from comments like these:

"Kaeth: I think what you said in your comments on DeviantArt was spot on - you need to start thinking about composition and, for lack of a better word, cohesion, in a big way.

I looked through your gallery and you clearly can draw a figure, but it's boring when almost every piece is a dead centered beautiful woman/man with flowing hair/clothing in an ambiguous situation. Let your environments and compositions catch up to your figures; start thinking about the figure as only one element of a piece. Draw something ugly. Draw a picture with a figure but no face. Crop all the arms and legs, or make the picture all arms and legs. Or do a picture with no recognizable figure at all and express a concept through abstraction.

The point is that your work shouldn't depend on the strength of your figure drawing skills. I think the December picture is only scratching the surface of where you could go in terms of concept and composition."

I think she is completely correct about the direction I need to go in. I need more variety! I need weird people and deformed people and colourful people and big and small and everything else. I need environments and lighting and little fuzzy animals! All this to say: I have come up with my New Year's Resolutions. I will embarassingly admit that every year my resolution is to quit biting my fingernails. Alas, in 23 years, I have never been able to do it. I've been able to stop for short periods of time, but I always shift back into bad habits in stressful situations, when I'm bored, or when I'm watching a scary/thrilling movie.

Anyways, on to the resolutions! I have decided to create a working list here on my blog and I shall check off all the things I want to accomplish in 2010 as I complete them.

Erin's 2010 Boom-Shakalaka Resolution List of Awesomeness______//
[ ] Stop biting fingernails (lol yea right)
[ ] Eat healthier
[ ] Render a 4+ figure, full BG painting with action-oriented scenario
[ ] Get accepted into Expose 8
[ ] Do a show at Gallery Godo on San Fernando Blvd
[ ] Get a paid job!!!!!
[ ] Complete the 100 Themes Challenge : [Variation 1]
[ ] Go to a Convention (planning on AX and Otakon - I'm so cool...)
[ ] Figure out where I want to go to Grad School for my Masters in Illustration
[ ] Be more on time to EVERYTHING
[ ] Stay in better touch with friends
[ ] Repay my debts
[ ] Complete another Fashion Design Concept Set

...and more when I think of it. It is going to be a busy, happy year. I can feel it. :)

Then We'll Fly

"So where do we go from here?
With all this fear in our eyes.
And where can love take us now?
We've been so far down -
We can still touch the sky...
If we crawl, 'til we can walk again
Then we'll run, until we're strong enough to jump
Then we'll flyyy
Until there is no end!
So let's crawl, crawl, crawl,
...back to love."

In a world of palm trees and movie stars______//

I feel like I belong. After living in LA for nearly 4 months, I can say that I truly enjoy it, despite certain difficulties that come and go, but life is like that. I find a deep sense of contentment in many aspects of my life there. For how long I will stay, I cannot say - life is also like that. I am learning everyday to rely on God's provision, as I have very, very limited income due to my job situation. But in the struggle for financial stability, I have learned lessons I couldn't have before; if you know me, I'm extremely independent and feel truly uncomfortable taking from others or being indebted to friends. Yet I have found that when push comes to shove, I have true friends who are willing to help me out, and I have learned to count yet more resounding blessings in my life.

My internship with Fashion Designer Ximena Valero has drawn to a close, and because of it being an unpaid internship, I am looking for another job right now to start after the holidays in LA. Actually, on my lay-over in Denver tonight, I was pleasantly surprised by a voicemail waiting for me about a job interview and an inquiry about my resume. I've also landed a few freelance gigs doing Fashion Designs for upcoming lines from designers in the LA area in addition to my regular commission work.

Ximena and I just got back from a really awesome Runway show in Culiacan, Mexico. It was a really cool experience - I surprised myself with how much Spanish I know! We were truly in the middle of Mexico, and no one spoke more than 3 words of English. It was definitely a challenge, but I am so glad I did it. We arrived Thursday night and went straight into a Press Conference for "Mujer" magazine, who sponsored the show and our whole trip out there. We met all the models for the show and watched them walk, then (because it was so late and we were staaaarving), went out to eat at a restaurant owned by one of our friends at the magazine. THE FOOD WAS AMAZING. I had tamales and enchiladas, and drank the biggest bottle of Coke I've ever seen. The next day, we got up early and went to supervise the hair and makeup for the models. During the day, Ximena and I collaborated on the model fitting and tried zillions of beautiful dresses on some very beautiful girls. The girls were all so sweet! Afterwards, as looks were being finalized, I planned the order for the girls walking the runway before getting pulled over to have my own makeup and hair done. The show itself was hectic (as was to be expected, haha), but the girls were amazing! There were a ton of photographs (see my facebook for pictures), but after all the excitement, we got to go out for tacos at an incredible Taqueria with Shayla, Ximena's former assistant from Tijuana who showed her new line as a precursor to Ximena's show, Shayla's boyfriend Carlos, and her brother. Again, THE FOOD WAS AMAZING. They were the best tacos I have EVER had. After tacos (and more Coke because I couldn't drink the water - I swear, I had more Coke in 3 days than the last 3 years of my LIFE), we drove down the street to a fair, selling all kind of crazy things in colourful tents. As we neared the back of the fair, there was a long staircase leading up to a church. It reminded me instantly of an Aztec temple, with hundreds of concrete stairs to climb. As we ascended the stairs, Ximena explained to me that you walked up the stairs to the church, bowed before the altar to Mary the Mother and Christ, and asked for something you really, really wanted. If you received it, you had to come back and climb the stairs on your knees to give thanks. As we were walking up, I saw pairs of people walking up on their knees. It was one of the most powerful things I have ever seen. Later, as I was standing at the altar, Carlos joined me and put a special prayer bracelet around my wrist as a gift for me. The Culiacani (?) were the most welcoming, giving, nicest people I think I have ever met. They all helped me with my Spanish, gave me tons of little gifts for absolutely no reason, paid for all my food without a second thought, told me how "bonita" I was.... My heart felt so thankful to have these people - who didn't even know me - care for me like a family member or an old friend, and I realized that I want to strive to be as welcoming and warm as they had been to me. We stayed out until 4 in the morning, walking around the church and browsing the stalls outside. I went to bed very tired, but very fulfilled. The next morning, we woke up and went to another Taqueria with more crazy good tacos. And yet again, THE FOOD WAS AMAZING. I told my companions in Spanish, "I will never eat Taco Bell again" and they all laughed. Afterwards, we drove to Mazatlan, boarded a plane, and then drove home in the rare LA rain.

While I have had my trials, this experience in LA was well worth the risk. And I am more confident in myself and where I am going. I have enjoyed working as Ximena's Events Coordinator and Assistant, and can see that the experience will lead me in a direction toward where I want to go.

I see myself going places, and though I have had to crawl my way to this point, it will be so that I can walk again, and then run, and then fly.

She is Not a Great Ruler of Men; No. She is Mortal, but with the Spark of the Sun.

I must confess I have been going through ups and downs of very intense homesickness. At times I feel bitterly forgotten by some, I am still very angry about betrayals that happened right before leaving that have not been resolved. I'm usually not a person to let things sit broken, but I feel that a serious apology is in order; I have not received it, nor do I expect to. I guess it will just continue to sit like a stone in my stomach until time slowly erodes it away. I always like to learn things quickly and easily. Unfortunately, I learned the hard way that honest and loyal friends are hard to come by, and that some may seem like this kind at first, but turn their backs and kick dust in your face when it comes down to the line. The lesson to learn is never to be like that: to always be gracious and accountable for your actions and responsibilities. To always remember friends who have helped you and looked after your things, and to repay them with honour instead of spitting in their face and trying to leave without properly helping to pay your share of what you agreed to in writing and in friendship. To always uphold your end of the bargain because it is the right thing to do, instead of only looking out for yourself.

I honestly expected better, especially from someone who pretends to be such a Godly, righteous woman.
--

In other news, LA is good. Like I said, I have my ups and downs, but on the whole, life is good. I am blessed. I've been working on illustrations of Ximena's Designs for a book that she wants to put together, I do a ton of her PR work, I have become quite the Miss-Fix-It with computers/telephones/doorbells/anythingelsethatbreaks, I go to a lot of Boutiques to help make sales, and I help with the construction of the dresses. This past Friday, we had a big photoshoot for Ximena's new Fall Line, featuring a lot of jumpers and bloomers, in warm, comfy jersey fabric. It was 5 hours long, but a lot of fun :) I am addicted to Entourage (and have been to a few of the places in the show, hah), am working on my first celebrity sighting, have a brand new espresso machine, and my aviators are practically glued to my face. Life is good.

Here's a WIP a painting I'm working on now; "All is Possible". Only the background is done - characters to follow this weekend. A girl and her beloved penguin soar in the sky together. Awww...

"For I hold your right hand, I the Lord your God, and I say to you, "Do not be afraid. I am here to help you."" --Isaiah 41:13

Denial

Find me here and speak to me,
I want to feel You, I need to hear You.
You are the light that's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.
You are the strength that keeps me walking.
You are the hope that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose,
You're everything.

And how can I stand here with You, and not be moved by You?

I am finally pursuing my art in Los Angeles, working for Ximena. I love working for her :) I still have to wonder what my ultimate goal is, though. I mean, here I am. For how long? What will I accomplish? Sometimes I feel selfish - I am given an answer I'm looking for, and then I only ask for more, more, more. Isn't this enough? Shouldn't I be content with where I am?

I'm tired of being stressed by logistics. I am weary of moving from place to place, living out of a suitcase, having no money... but God has more than shown that He will provide for me through the grace of friends. Why am I not satisfied?

This post is so emo. Here's a painting.

You dance over me while I am unaware.

California is 2 days away. Weird. And scary. And ridiculously exciting! I am on my way to doing what I love, and though I know the going may get tough at times, I'm ready to take the dive and figure it out. I'm really lucky to have such a good, true-blue friend helping me out. I know I would not have been able to do this without him. It's been nice to have a break from work after working such an intense schedule at Messiah, and I'm honestly ready to just do something that makes me happy. I'll be working at my internship for Ximena and probably waitressing at a restaurant of some sort. Although it's not the most glamourous life, my internship is an investment that I'm making. Once I figure out what my hours are for Ximena, I will be trying to fit in work and my other internship with The Peoples Shoe, which is only 1-2 days a week, which is nice. I know it will all work out.

I remember back to early July when I was still deciding what to do. I am glad I trusted God and trusted my heart. At that point, everything and all the logistics seemed overwhelming. And yet, once again, the pieces have fallen into place.

"I want you to know that it doesn't matter
where we take this road.
Someone's gotta go."

Say Hello, Say Hello to a New Way

"I was lost, but I found
what I was looking for
Waking up, waking up
to a new day."

I have finally seemed to find where I belong. I am so freaking excited <3 Very nervous, but ridiculously thrilled. Leaping with faith, landing on solid ground. Did I expect any less?

It's a brand new year.

HUGE NEWS MY DEARS <3

BIG NEWS

I GOT THE INTERNSHIP I REALLY WANTED!!!!
The internship is with Fashion Designer Ximena Valero! I love her work! I am so incredibly excited to work with her – but I am in shock!!! I just got the email a few minutes ago and I’m sitting here ready to go to bed. I feel like I should be celebrating this chance of a lifetime! Man, I wish I had gone out earlier and bought that bottle of wine I had thought about. Nuts! Oh well – tomorrow I’ll treat myself to something sweet to eat and maybe some classy drinks. I start September 7th, so I have about 2 weeks to figure out how the heck I’m gonna move my car out there and get everything set up. Fortunately, I have one of the best friends EVER who has offered to let me stay with him temporarily. What a blessing.

Ahem. Anyways… as an intern I will be doing pretty much anything I can to help out Ximena: running errands to get supplies and fabric, Fed-Exing everything, doing some PR work, contacting magazines, helping with photoshoots, and helping with any runway shows she might have during the time of my internship. I am so thrilled to be diving in and getting some fantastic experience, and Ximena and her business partner Jaime are the most welcoming, nicest people. I am absolutely starstruck. And very, very happy.

So I'll Stand

"Lord Jehovah reigns in majesty
We will bow before His throne
We will worship Him in righteousness
We will worship Him alone.

He is Lord of Heaven,
Lord of earth,
He is Lord of all who live
He is Lord of all the universe
All praise to Him we give.

O Hallelujah to the King of Kings,
Hallelujah to the Lamb!
Hallelujah to the Lord of Lords,
who is the Great I Am."

So, what can I say? And what can I do? But offer this heart, O God, completely to You?

There are so many times in life where I am halted in my tracks by God's faithfulness. I don't know if I got lucky with extra blessings or what, but lately I am finding more than ever that God is making Himself more and more evident to me. I have found such joy where I never thought I could; I have found independence and peace growing in places I thought I would only find brokenness and pain. I started writing this entry in the very exact physical location in which I thought my heart may never mend again. Of course, I realized this halfway through a post about God's faithfulness and the overwhelming joy and thankfulness within my heart, 2 days before the one year marker of being my own small unit again. And what a year it has been. I can't help but reflect on God's provision in my life; how He has restored my soul; how He has lit up my heart. How He can make me laugh with His irony. Here I sit in a very real reminder of pain, and yet I see it now only as a place of redemption. I see only a place that God has made clean. A place I look upon with fresh eyes and am reminded of this verse (which is ironically the Verse of the Day),

"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live." - Psalm116:1-2

It is true: Lord Jehovah reigns in supreme, unending, unyielding majesty. He is the Lord of the Universe; the King of my heart.

And if you ever read this, I forgive you. And I just wish I could give you a hug.

Here's to the Next Step.

First, let's start off with some art.

Some of you have seen this on my Facebook/DA, but I really enjoy this doodle. Started off as a scribble that was only frustrating me, but it ended up being a really enjoyable exercise.

On the job front, my interview with the Peoples Shoe (www.thepeoplesshoe.com) went really well, and I got the internship :) The internship is really cool, actually. They really liked my shoe designs, and now is the perfect time to intern because they're coming out with their new line of shoes, and they're starting their first Look-Book. SO they said that they'd let me design an exclusive piece for the line and to put in the LookBook. And they saw my website and really liked my illustration and wanted to add some background illustrative elements to the LookBook as well. It's only 1-2 days a week, but that gives me the flexibility to either get another internship with the same amount of hours, or look for a mostly full-time job.

Tuesday I had my first interview with Ximena Valero (www.ximenavalero.com). She's shown at New York Fashion Week twice, as well a bunch of major shows around the globe, and on Tuesday I got to meet her in her studio. While I've been out here, I've been designing my portfolio for her, and she said she loved my designs (and especially my shoes - she said she'd buy them!) and she said that I was "a true artist". It was awesome to hear that kind of feedback from someone I really admire. :) :) Earlier this evening I had my second interview with her and her business partner and fiance, Jaime. I learned a bit more about the internship, and it's definitely hands-on and a really great learning experience. I'd be learning a lot of the business side of producing a line, running errands, going to photoshoots and fashion shows, and whatnot. I would absolutely love to work for her. From the feedback I got, I can only assume that I have a good chance at getting the internship. Then I will move back out to LA and go for a trial-run of 2 weeks. Then comes the 3 month internship deal. So we will see. I find out by Wednesday of next week. Wish me luck :)

My portfolio for Ximena :)

The Glamourous, Glamourous.

I am so afraid that I will never "make it". In fact, I don't even know what I mean when I even say that. What am I trying to attain? What am I aiming for? What is my ultimate goal?

I have not written very often lately. I guess this blog is a combination of conversations I've had with friends lately, my own anticipation of my own "move" (or, rather, "experimental living" - that sounds weird) to California, and just downright frustration with the possibility of being forced to live back at home.

If you know me, you know I like spontaneity; however, you know that sometimes I get frustrated when there's no set "plan". I am honestly tired of whining about the lack of a plan, and the metaphors about roads and paths are getting really old really fast. Yet I can't help still feeling this way. This past year out of school has honestly felt like a tragedy at times. What I was told would be my freedom has been my jail cell. Me, the naive college grad, believed what everyone told me: the world was at my feet! Go out and grab it! I would kindly like to tell those people, TV ads, well-intentioned cards, etc to shove it. The first year out of school is like going through denial and withdrawal from the best drug your bloodstream has ever tasted. And you are alone. So utterly alone. In an economy that's tanking (although I am starting to believe it may be actually starting to maaaaaybe turn around). You are stuck and it seems like nothing will go your way. In the words of the immortal Mitch Hedberg, "The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, fucker! This payment must be made in wampom!" In all summation, you're pretty screwed. But hey, things can only look up. You will only move up in life, won't you? Which brings me to my next point:

Where are we going? Since the day we were born, we were learning, using, and practicing skills that would help us attain that sought-after college degree. And surely that piece of paper would point us in the right direction. It would light the way to the next step. But no one said anything about that next step being in plain sight. Or that you'd have to leap over a cliff's edge to get there, or that you'd have to navigate through a maze to reach it. I still haven't figured out exactly what I want. I want everything. I want to love life. I want to do what I love all day and make a living out of it and have people appreciate it and see it as valuable and beautiful and worthwhile. And I want to inspire people the way I am inspired: to never stop, to always keep going. To be so full of determination that you're almost shaking with excitment. To be SO full of potential that you can't sleep at night because you have so many ideas and you just have to Go. Do. Something.

I want to live a life where I see beauty and share beauty. I want to help others live beautiful, meaningful lives. On a final note, I have an intervirew with The Peoples Shoe in Los Angeles. :) I'm applying to several more places tonight, so hopefully someone else will bite :)

In the meantime, here's my sketchdump.
Click for larger.

Moving Out | Moving On

Close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by;
There is no time to waste asking why.


Sometimes I really hate packing. I dig up all my old memories from the dusty boxes I buried them in and WHAM; I am in emotional shock about things that I haven't given a second thought to in months.

So the lid goes back on. I must step out into my sunny new life.

Update, Update [I lack a creative title]

Hey little muffins <3

So much going on right now - I am loving life :) A lot of you know that I left my job at Messiah - my last official day was Friday, the 17th, which was coincidentally Opening Night of The Wiz. The Wiz has been going really well. I can't believe that this is the last weekend already! I was asked by the director to do most of the scenic work, which was awesome and I was so honoured to be a part of the show in that way as well :) Not to mention that I love dancing it! I also got the opportunity to design Dorothy's Silver Silvers. Did you know that the original slippers in the 1930's film were actually silver, but because of the premiere of colour TV, they changed them to ruby red to wow viewers? Neat, huh? After Taryn, our Dorothy, suggested that I sell pairs of silver slippers at the show, I talked to our director, and now I have been designing Silver Slippers for a lot of girls in the cast :) What a hit - yay! Here are some sneak peeks of the shoes I've been working on:





















And the sweet little packaging:
















I am currently watching Iron Chef - there are so many reasons why I absolutely LOVE this show. Did you know that in China they have "Forbidden Black Rice", which got its name because originally only emperors could use/eat it. Ho'yea. Trivia of the Day!

Ahem. Anyways... back to the art. I've taken on commissions on some of my favourite things!

Starwars: Princess Savess Palpatine (Original Character) - to be painted.





















Aaaaannnd World of Warcraft: Aetharis and Aetherli, the Draenei (Original Characters) - completed.





















Up next I will be doing some Harry Potter fanart (By the way, I loved The Half-Blood Prince - it was awesome. I didn't want to go back to the drama of Voldemort because Ron was just too darling), and I will also be painting my coworker Monica's precious 1 year old daughter, Kirah <333 She really is just the most beautiful girl. To top it all off, I will also be painting my director and his wife's bathroom and some cabinetry in their home.

Also! Exciting! At Opening Night, I was approached by a writer who asked me to do cover art for his new novel coming out ;) ;)

I will be flying out to LA on August 10th, and I couldn't be more excited. Everything has pointed in that direction... so if you could pray that God would open doors for me, I'd be so thankful. I'm trying to find my place in the world right now. Funnily enough, I just got a letter from Chad today from China (although he's already back, hah!), and it's so good to hear that others are in similar place and are searching for the "right situation", as I described in an earlier post.

I have not figured out when I will be back, but probably I will come back Friday, the 21st. There's 5,000 things going down on the 22nd, and I should be back for all of them.

I'm probably forgetting something, but this is long enough!

I have not thought about you for a very long time.

[ There is a place I can never go back to
Where you are the very paint on the walls
Your comforting scent now an invader to my lungs
That have since acquired the taste for free air.
My life is not sepia, hallway memories;
Now I live in clean, vibrant colours and dramatic edges.
You no longer belong here. ]

{{ H o n e s t l y }}
I am very much enjoying my single life. Reclaiming my sense of self, doing what I want, trusting myself, trusting God, making my own adventures. While there is the occasional fleeting pang of loneliness, I am perfectly content learning to absolutely love my life and take every chance that comes my way. You always taught me to live life to the fullest, so not everything I took away from you was hurt. I don't really want to date anyone right now. I am interested in the uncomplicated life at the moment. When God is good and ready, He'll make sure I'm in the right place to meet the right person. Until then, I'm just gonna keep dancing through life.
--//"Finally found a girl that you couldn't impress; last man on the earth still couldn't hit this."

Update tomorrow because I'm far too tired right now. I just needed to get that out...

All Dressed Up in L O V E <3

[ C O M M I S S I O N ME to.make.you.something.beautiful. ]
^ Clicking will not end in disappointment, only joy.

Commissions are open, so tell your friends! I'm heading to Cali in a few weeks, but I'll have some spare time before then!

I will write a longer post later, but I need to hop into bed.

Funny how I'm FINALLY feeling the exquisite freedom I was told I would feel upon graduation. It never was there before, but now it is... a year and a half later. Praise God!

He Will Carry Me

After a year (tomorrow is my anniversary) of working for Messiah, I put in my two weeks today. Many people would ask what would possess me to do such a thing, given the current economy, but all I can say is that this is the biggest leap of faith I have taken in my lifetime. I will either be taking Graduate classes at Maryland Institute College of Art (MICA), or exploring Los Angeles, California for opportunities in Illustration, Concept Design, Graphic Design, or Fashion Design. I know the gifts that God has given me, and I know the happiness and fulfillment I find in doing these things; I also know how rare it is in life to find (and do) the things that we truly love. I refuse to settle for something because it is safe or because I will be financially secure. I want to take this time in my life, when I have never been freer and will never be as free again and experience the world and all its different possibilities. I want to stretch myself, I want to challenge myself, and I want to succeed in making the world a place of beauty and inspiration for others to enjoy.

[X] My Dresses______click to enlarge//

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?'" - Matthew 6:27-31

For Your Father knows what you need before you ask Him.

I've tracked sand back to the East Coast

"You're standing strong and tall
You're the bravest of them all
If on courage you must call.
So just keep on tryin', and tryin', and tryin'"
--

There is so much to do right now. I have been extremely busy with rehearsing for The Wiz - it's hard to believe that we only have about 10 more rehearsals before the show! I also just got back from LA, which was amazing :) I officially want to live in California. Everyone is so laid-back there; everyone calls you sweetheart or hunny; there is delicious food, the sun, the beach, palm trees, and ridiculously high doses of fashion and all-around beautiful art. Not to mention the music scene. What is not to love? Oh, the traffic. But that's avoidable. Oh, and the cost of living. Not so avoidable. But still, I left my heart in Los Angeles...

And because I am attempting to stay on top of everything that I need to do, here is my tidy little list of projects that need finishing:

[X] DO THIS STUFF ____________//

Dorothy's Silver Slippers for "The Wiz"

Dress Designs (Forthcoming - need to be scanned)

"Carnality" Contest Painting (latest WIP)

Sketchdump for DevART

"I Dream" Contest Painting on DevART

Laura's Red Shoes

Ed's Man Shoes

Surprise Wedding Gift

Pocahontas Painting

White Starry Bag

Take Every Chance You Dare

"Will strangers hear our names long after we are gone, and wonder who we were, how bravely we fought, how fiercely we loved?"

[Work in Progress - ignore my scribblies, please]















After talking to my dad on the phone for awhile today, I continue to remember when he said, "You will know when you are in the right situation." I have noticed that, like many of my friends, we all have our own ways of dealing with the post-graduation-f*-I-dunno-what-to-do-with-my-life blues. Mine has been an underlying sense of panic and frustration that only surfaces when I am not running around like a crazy person doing ten million things at once. The road ahead is strangely uncertain, especially when I turn around to see a neatly paved street behind me, clearly marked and flagged with directions. I look ahead to see hundreds of paths, like streaming tributaries from a great, wide river. I long for "the right situation", and the most frustrating part is that I have no idea what it will look like, though I apparently will know when it arrives.

This season can only be known as my Painted Summer, where I make the choices that point me ahead, where I decorate myself with all that I hold dear, pack it close, and carry it along the road like a thousand glittering jewels.

From the truth of my heart to the depths of yours.

I can't find my watch
and I can't find my wallet
So how in the hell am I supposed to find
the one that I love?
the one that I need?
Hidden so high,
buried so deep.

The Night We Fixed the Roof

I wish my fingers didn't ache. I wish my eyes didn't droop.

I am often caught off-guard by the fleeting fragility of life. I am surprised by its quirks and the way things work out. Like smoke floating over the rooftops, the moments of our lives quickly pass into the ashes that fall among the cracks in the sidewalk where they lay tired - forgotten - lost - as we carry on high above, oblivious, in the lamplight. Last night I stared at the stars and questioned the purpose of my own life. What do I ascribe to? What is my goal? Where do I go from here? I am disheartened to report that they were silent, swimming in a sea of deep, tight-lipped blue. Will I be able to accomplish all that I dream before that sea swallows me whole and I turn to ashes and fall among the cracks in the sidewalk to be forgotten in a shadow?

Tutti e per la vita che non c'e.

Lunchtime Fables and New Shoes

I have a funny relationship with pickles. I don't like them, but whenever I am offered a pickle or it comes with my lunch, I accept it. It always looks really good, so I will always take a bite, hoping to enjoy it. As soon as I taste it, I remember why I don't like pickles - they're not good.

Ironically, I find that this analogy applies to the men in my life. Without going down the wrong street here, I want to suggest that a lot of the guys I meet are often like this: they look good, but as soon as I "try them out", I remember why I don't like them - they're not good.

Here's the catch: I keep going back, even when I already know that I've tried it before and I don't like it. Why?

But then, when I feel like I'm going it alone, I seem to see the sky in your eyes.

[New and a bit alarming
Who'd have ever thought that this could be?]

Oh God I'm emo --- NEW SHOES [!]

I just know there's something bigger out there

Hey guys

Recently, some exciting stuff has been happening! A pair of my shoes went to France! And I recently returned from Disney World, where I connected with an artist showing his work in Downtown Disney; he really liked my work (I showed him my sketch journal, completely red-faced) and grabbed an artist submission form for me, so I will possibly (and hopefully!) be showing/selling my work down there soon. It was so reassuring to have such positive feedback from someone who makes a living in the field. I feel like I have had such affirmation lately :) I will also be starting my FIRST pair of mens shoes. Not sure how I feel about them, but I guess I won't love it 'til I try it.

After being in Disney, I REALLY want to do a quick painting of Ariel or some other Disney Princess. Maybe Pocahontas - she's my favourite, since I'm Native American.

I have been rehearsing for The Wiz with my roommate; I learned our tap-dancing number tonight! It will take a lot of practice! I have never tapped a step in my entire life, hahaha... we'll have to see how this goes...

I can't escape walking down these halls | Have to find a place where there are no walls

I must make art to be happy. I must, I must.

"Picture myself running like hell
Making my getaway.
The walls are caving in with no warning,
Should be sinking,
I gotta swim for it - I'm running out of air -
Break me out tonight
I wanna see the sun rising anywhere but here."

Broadcast Yourself

[ It's funny how a man only thinks about the (beep)
You got a real big heart, but I'm lookin atcha (beep)
They only want, only want my (ah ha ha, ah ha ha) ]

So! Big news, friends. My shoes are going to FRANCE. Yes, France! Get excited - I am! I just got a whole new bunch of shoes in the other day. I found this incredible SalVal. It was awesome :) I am currently multitasking on about 4 different pairs of shoes right now so hopefully they will be finished/purchased soon. Although technically 2 of those 4 are already sold. Yay! Pictures soon, because I have some wedges that are just darling! Speaking of pictures, here's a new one, which has quickly become an absolute favourite of mine. Please enjoy it ~ click for a larger view. You might've already seen it on my Facebook.


















More exciting news! My website hit 16,000 views this week, which was awesome sauce for me! Onward to 20,000 by 2010! I am currently setting up an Etsy.com shop to sell my lovely shoesies (and hopefully bags and jewelry once I get those up and running!), AND I have entered the above design into Infectious.com's design contest. I would LOVE if you'd vote for me... and I don't think you have to have an account to do it... but go ahead and try it! Just click "LOTS" on the "Love-O-Meter"

___________// [ Please vote for me here!!! ]

http://www.infectious.com/voting/miri-love/miri-tweet/1744

There's a special Facebook ad thing, but it never works :( I suppose I will have to be all low-tech and write one of those old-fashioned note things and tag people. I'd much rather upload a spiffy, clickable image, though!

AND, last but most excitingly (and the reason for the title of this blog), I have started my own vlog. Vlog = video blog. Yes, I know. This could be really good... or really bad. :D Basically, a bunch of my watchers on devART were like "ZOMG Tell us about your life!!!", so I said okay... lol. I am also very inspired by Acrylicana's vlog, which is hilarious, but I think I go into that on the actual intro vlog. So that's exciting. Hopefully I will get that up and running on Youtube with my own page tomorrow/Sunday. Hopefully I will be getting a webcam this weekend (I love that today was paydayyyyy).

___________// [ Here is my happy little neck-of-the-youtube-woods ]
Don't get too excited, it's only one silly little video.
http://www.youtube.com/user/Miriliilove

EDIT: Oh what!? I'm adding more?! Oh what the hey.

Here's an update of the last WIP (Work in Progress), I showed you.
[ Silly silly screencap ]












Bye loves! <3

So why can't you see? You belong with me. | Singing to no one is liberating.

Unlimited, my future is unlimited.

I'm admittedly a little concerned about my oncoming lack of sleep/social life/sanity. I am REALLY looking forward to The Wiz, but I rehearse every day between now and July 18th (with the exception of Fridays/Sundays, and TWO days. whoa). Work 8am-5pm then rehearsal 6-9pm every night. Hmm.

[ Work in Progress - - click for larger]














Day off tomorrow, which is glorious. Hopefully this painting will be finished tomorrow. Really want to go to the Arts Fest in Hburg, but I want someone to go with me.

Fourth Feature ____// Yaylove <3

And here! http://fribee.deviantart.com/art/50-Artists-Banner-123299964

Please click "Digital" and "Lii-chan". SUCH an honour to be grouped with Loish and Janaschi! <3333

Everything is going so well! :)

A place so gloriously wired with lights and sounds

"I am building a good and beautiful life; if you want to add to it, then come on in. But if not, see you later."

[ Hey, oh - here I am. And here we go, life's waiting to begin. ]

I am in the process of putting in an order for these fabulous wholesale shoesies <3 Not sure how many I'll get yet, but you can be sure that they will be all beautiful after I get through with them. I've got some sweet ideas already swimming around inside my lovely little head.

I am finding more and more that I have a deep, deep love for textiles. Why oh why did I not realize this in college when I could have studied it? I still love to illustrate, paint, and draw conceptually; but the things I illustrate belong to a world that is not ours. The joy in fashion is reaching in and pulling those dream-like, fantastic things into our own hands.

My hair is getting long again. I love it <3 I am so excited to have a carefree, fun night with Kori and Sarah tomorrow.

[Am I supposed to put my life on hold,
because you don't know how to act,
and you don't know where your life is going?
Am I supposed to be torn apart, broken hearted,
in a corner crying bout it, me, if I don't show it.
I'm so over it, I've been there and back.]

{Na na na na hey hey hey goodbye.}

Sweet deal <3

Got featured again!

http://news.deviantart.com/article/80639/

It's so cool to be in there with work from a lot of artists I truly, truly admire.

E per la vita che non c'e ~ | No, e la mia vita bella

I really need to get myself back to my normal sleep schedule. I have been zoning all day... the work day took forever.

Exciting things happening recently...

I got a callback for The Wiz, which is tomorrow at 5:30pm. I hope I do well enough to snag a part :) That'd be sweet. My throat has been feeling a little scratchy lately, so I do hope that'll go away until after the audition. I can't believe I almost forgot how much joy I find in singing, and I am so happy to be able to do it again - part or chorus. Singing in the car isn't nearly as satisfying as being onstage. It feels very much like coming home. :)

On another arts-related note, there is a definite possibility that I will be selling my sweet shoes on one of my favourite fashion websites. The details are not currently finalized, which means I can't post any more information, but I'll post more when I have more answers.

Over the weekend, I designed another pair of shoes. I'd like to call them "Nouveau Swimpond". I am absolutely in love with them - but alas, I am a size 8, and they are a size 6 & 1/2. I keep telling my feet that love knows no boundaries (like foot-size), but they refuse to fit in there. Hurr :( Tonight I will be hoping to paint my new bright fire-engine red shoes. Pow! If I have enough energy...

I finished the "Night of Worship" Graphic for Daybreak Church, which will "air" on May 31st. Must say that I wasn't entirely pleased with the outcome, but I guess not everything you do can be a masterpiece. Now onward to designing their Women's Study Graphic. I really enjoy working with Susie and their team; great experience! :) Though my poor poor camera is sitting gathering dust... I really need to charge the battery and shoot some stuff, even if just messing around. Good news is that when I go to LA, I will be having a vibrant and quirky photoshoot with Roo. :) Hope to get some good shots there - about a month away! And before that, DisneyWorld! (Though I doubt I'll bring my nice camera down there - yikes!)

[ oh my God, SHOES ]

These coming nights will be filled with painting, singing, Josh Groban, Last Samurai, Painted Veil, Gumbo, and chocolate cake. Mmm. Yes please.

Por Ejemplo

A work in progress for a contest. Will be painted.

From left, clockwise: Fusa, the Urchin; Lex, the Twin; Xaiona, the Black Widow; Lufu, the Thief; Rozalin, the Harlot; and Simone, the Acolyte.

I am really excited about this one. I've done like, 5 different sketches and none of them have turned out the way I wanted them to... until this one! Let's just hope that paint won't mess it up! I really fell in love with the storyline in this contest. There are many other characters, but these are just the girlies. Basically, the main girl (front), Simone, is an acolyte in the Church. She is wrongfully excommunicated, but the Church strikes a deal with her to identify and bring in certain notorious criminals in exchange for her return to her beloved nunnery. [drama ensues!]

Yesterday I had quite the enjoyable lunch. As I sat at Barnes and Noble with coffee and art magazine in hand (which is one of my favourite things to do), I thought a lot about my grad school portfolio and sketched a bunch of stuff. I am often truly inspired even by art that doesn't make a lick of sense to me. Yesterday I leafed through a magazine on Pop Culture Asian Influence, which featured work of painted ears and yarn hanging from bare walls, among other things. As I tried to make sense of it, I realized that I have a very distinct way of viewing and understanding work. I always ask, "What is it about?" Sometimes art does not "depict" something in the conventional sense. I paged back through my sketchbook and found these words of wisdom: "Art is highly intellectual, even when it appears to be nonsense and mean nothing."

Of course, I completely resonate with this. In my own personal work, I strive to create a sense of mystery. This is difficult in straightforward/commissioned/contest pieces such as the one I posted above, but when I create work for my portfolio or myself, intellectual value - communicating a message - is something that is a main priority for me. But I realize I am extremely limited in how I convey this message. As I looked at art yesterday that seemed completely "whacked-out", I wrote this observation: "I have a hard time breaking my own molds. Why can't I just put something right there? What stops me? What is my filter? Myself?"

It is frustrating but also immensely freeing to meet your own self-imposed walls head-on.

I've been Featured... Twice?

Wow... my work has been featured twice today :)

On Artlibs: http://artlibs.blogspot.com/2009/05/lii-chan.html

On devART: http://nataly1st.deviantart.com/journal/24739486/




Your skin is something that I stir into my tea.

"Today my life begins."

Your life is supposed to begin after college, right? I have never felt that way and I don't know why. In fact, I feel stuck. I feel like every door I reach for is shut towards me. I feel like a carving on a facade... etched and packed in one singular way, never to break free because the wall behind me is connected to every root and vein and muscle, clamping me down, unwilling to let me move.

Being a grownup is hard. You try and make the best decisions for yourself, you try and be smart. And sometimes it backfires. You no longer have the security of a plan, the future is open. You don't know who you'll end up with, where you'll end up at, and sometimes it seems like there are no speed limit signs or road markers. You do the best you can because you don't know how to do anything else.

I want someone who understands. I want someone who loves me for me.

This week:_______//
{Saturday: Musical Movie night with Kori}
{Sunday: Mama's Day at home with my incredible mother <3}
{Monday: Last calling shift of my first year as Annual Giving Coordinator}
{Tuesday: First free night of the summer, which can only mean lots of art, tea, and 24!}
{Wednesday: Dinner with my Daddy!}
{Thursday: Auditions with Amber for "The Wiz"}
{Friday: Out with everyone before graduation}
{Saturday: Graduation <3 Oh my word, it's been a year.}

"So, let me say before we part:
So much of me is made of what I learned from you,
You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have rewritten mine by being my friend."

A Nun in the Sun

I am fed up. I am done. I am running in the other direction so my head won't spin with nonsense any longer and I won't want to continually claw my eyes out.

I am so exhausted with grown men acting like little boys. I know now that it is a choice to trust, not an ability; but I am not sure I could say with any great confidence that I would ever believe that a man would ever have the honour he says he has.

[ Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.]
I find my refuge only in the Lord; He is the place I seek so many times a day when I lose faith in those around me and feel frustrated with things in my life. God has carried me through my own bloody battles so many times; my feet dangle while He grips me in His arms and walks steadily through countless mine fields. He cleanses my wounds; He restores my soul. Even though I feel so lonely, like I have never been before; You never said it would be easy - but You sent my Saviour through the storm.

"I call, You hear me
I've lost it all,
and it's more than I can bear.
I feel so empty.
You're strong, I'm weary.
I'm holding on, but I feel like giving in...
but still, You're with me.

And even though I'm walking through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me.
And when all hope is gone,
And I've been wounded in the battle,
He's all the strength that I will ever need.
He will carry me.

I know I'm broken
But You alone can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me."

Why am I always surprised by Your faithfulness?

And even though I'm walking
Through the valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I've been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will ever need
He will carry me

I know I'm broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You're always with me

Take Care Now

And the lights come up to meet us
Silent for the evening,
We enter this town like newborn creatures
Those I know I see and knew
And the space between us is reduced
For I am human
And you are human, too.
So turn and turn again,
We are calling in all the ships,
Every traveler please come home
and tell us all that you have seen.
Break every lock to every door,
Return every gun to every drawer
so we can turn and turn again.

-
Take care now.
Great work today.

Cali To-Do List of Fabulousity <3

1. Sushi at kung fu restaurant
2. In and Out burger
3. Bar hops/dance-offs/stumping bros
4. Hollywood Blvd, checkin out the crazies
5. Huge pancakes
6. Beach x 10000000
7. Return of the King and The Rundown and Pirates
8. Backrubs
9. Looking delicious. ;)
10. Good music and LA photoshoot
11. Shopping Spree/Roo = Male Model

Ready for sunny, sunny California. :)

You have my Attention

I love moments like these, where I can just sit and listen to the breeze through the trees outside my apartment. The noises of the passing cars comfort me; mainly because, when I was a kid, I lived on a busy road and heard cars all night through my open window. It was stifling hot because we had no AC... I used to lie with the sheets between my toes, listening to the cars passing me by. I love the heat of summer, and especially the thunderstorms and the hot rain. I used to feel so safe, with my dolls in the corner, and my arms cupped around my PuddleDuck and Kangaroo.

Tomorrow I will be potting all my little plant-babies. I love making things grow, and watching them take root and spread out in all my little pots. I'm growing an herb garden, and today I just got Monk's Hood, Purple Coneflower, White Ivy, and Daisies.

I am so excited about this Saturday it shouldn't even be allowed. All of my favourites in one place. Me, Amber, Sarah, Kori, DJ, Andrea, Katrina, BJ and the boys, and Chad, Cory, and Amanda :) It will be so nice to all be together to have dinner and then go out! Really, really excited!

For my Grad School Portfolio, a Work in Progress: Charcoal, Gesso, India Ink, Coloured Pencil, and Oil Colour (soon to be added)

How can I stand here with You, and not be moved by You?

I can't.

--
Find me here, speak to me
I want to feel You, I need to hear You
You are the light that's leading me
To the place where I find peace, again.

You are the strength that keeps me walking.
You are the hope that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose; You're everything.

And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this?

--
I keep trying to write this blog post... I have deleted what I've written about 4 times now. Nothing I can say can compare to the raw honesty of the words above. They are exactly what I want to say. They are exactly what I want to say to God. I have such inexplicable joy in my heart. What have I done to deserve such good favour? Even when things seem out of control, these past few weeks I have been able to walk so closely with God, and in the midst of uncertainty, He has placed peace and surrender within my heart. I find myself never wanting to leave His side. I find myself walking in the rain beside Him, not running for shelter because I would rather be close than far away. I find myself weeping for joy at the hands of my maker, who knows me inside and out and gave me all of my talents. I look at every good thing in my life and I see Christ. I am so thankful for my art: my island in the tempest. When I make art, I feel God's presence because I can understand the joy of creating beauty to share with others. Our God must be a loving God; I know because I feel His fulfillment and light when I create. Only because I know that my God is faithful to me, could I have ever gone on from the things I have seen. What did I do to earn such good favour? That my God would never forsake me even when I cannot forgive myself and others for the things that have happened? That my God sees my fears and wraps me in His arms? That my God would inspire me in the blink of an eye and then move my hands with grace? Right now my fingers can't type what's in my heart; all I can do is repeat the words above. Right now my fingers ache to lovingly create something that would bring glory to the One who deserves all the glory, forever and ever.

"Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Jeremiah 31:12-14

Overworked, and definitely underpaid.

I'm tired of riding a rollercoaster where everything is great and I'm going at the speed of awesome one moment and tanking and crashing and burning and needing to reevaluate the next. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to operate successfully when I get so much mixed feedback.

My heart beats for so much more
than this daily grind
this halogen glow.

Art, because it's what rejuvenates. Some of you have seen it on my facebook. Please click for a larger view.

Shine Your light and let the whole see | I'm singing for the glory of the Risen King

I'm singing for the glory of You, my King.
Let mercy fall on me.
--
Sometimes it doesn't seem enough to take a moment to say thank you. Sometimes I have to pause and take a good look at my life; I am incredibly blessed. I have the self-destructive habit of letting my individual stresses bind together, allowing them to conquer my reason and my humility. I get so wrapped up in my day to day dealings with life that I forget My Saviour, I forget the good things in my life, I forget my health and my friends and my family. I let the darkness overcome me with despair and I forget that God has written promise and hope into every vein of my body.

My last post spoke of a great deal of anger; let it be known that my heart is often times filled with light. We all have our moments of darkness, and I don't question that I seem to have more shadowy corners than most. I am dealing with a great deal of hurt; I have asked God to forgive me for the choices I have made that have perpetuated that hurt instead of coming directly to Him to seek healing. I sought it in all the wrong places, I sought false, fleeting moments instead of lasting peace. And though I know that God has forgiven me, I cannot find relief because I still don't know how to fundamentally forgive myself for having such lapses in judgment I have always thought to be sound.

How lucky am I to have a Saviour who can pardon my weakness when I cannot comprehend it myself! How blessed am I to have a Saviour who can read my words of anger and betrayal and gently mold them into words of healing and restoration. This time last year I was creating work that explained God's Rejuvenation within my own heart, and though I don't feel quite ready right now, I know I will paint that picture again one day soon with the joy I originally felt.

For where there was darkness and desperate loneliness, now there is only hope and the determination to rise above. My thankful heart beats openly before Him;

it is like fresh, spring rain.
--

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
You rose and conquered the grave,
Lord, You conquered the grave!

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

If I ever got rich, I'd give a lot away.

I love the music of Lord of the Rings.

I read that the art we create in our minds is often better and therefore stifles the creation of work in reality. I suffer from this. I lay still, motionless, living in my mind, letting beauty fill in the gaps between my eyes. I am afraid that the things I achieve in my thoughts are too advanced for the work of my hands to conceive, let alone master.

I dreamed last night that I held a little blue sparrow in my hands. You strode through the door, and plucked its feathers, skinned it to the bone it in a matter of moments... and then left without a word, showing the true colours of your cowardice. As I watched your back, I wondered if I could ever forgive you. I looked down at the blood that speckled my hands and the tile floor. It evaporated, and behind me I heard a flutter. I turned and saw a peacock standing there; I followed it into the sunlight.

You say, "Seek and ye shall find." Please let me find, and soon. Some days I am filled with unspeakable anger, though it drives me to be the best I can be to show you exactly how strong I am; exactly how much I can endure; and how you cannot conquer me, how you cannot steal from me, how you cannot rob me again.

Everything precious to me seems lost.

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier!

What is there to say? My life is crazy mixed up, upside-down, ridiculousness one right after the other. All jam packed in the monotonous routine of the workday. How? I cannot tell you. I guess my emotions have been running all crazy. For once, I'd like to trade the thrill of the rollercoaster for the gentle hum of the choo-choo train. Maybe stopping to smell the flowers would be nice. I'd even enjoy the scenery.

Day off tomorrow =
1. Clean the apt.
2. Do my taxes.
3. Work on more work that I didn't finish today
4. Paint
5. Freddy/Dave's party <3

I'm not sure if I like this: [ Work in Progress ]


















"Our wisdom comes from our experience,
and our experience comes from our foolishness."

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.

I am an impatient person.

[ Work in Progress <3 ]

What the title says. Playing with light :)

Click for a larger view

For Four Different Men.

I don't know who you are.

--

Somehow I must find the strength to endure.
I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me.

Maybelle, in the Sky

Finished painting. Went back to some of my older techniques... it felt good :) Please click the image for a larger view.

I Live Here on my Knees

There is so much to be thankful for.

Sometimes I have to scold myself for not being as grateful as I should be; I receive so much grace.

I am trying to learn how to be content with where I'm at. There is so much I want to do, but sometimes wisdom comes when you realize that in order to accomplish what you want, you need to be steadfast and patient. Sometimes it does not mean jumping ahead and doing what you want, when you want, even when you want it so badly that your skin seems to be pulling you in a thousand directions at once and it feels as though your heart is leaping from your chest. Sometimes wisdom requires acknowledging your blessings and meeting your challenges head on so that you can learn from them and become stronger and more resilient.

But then what can be said on behalf of inspiration?

Rejecting my Broken Past.

Someday I want a daughter so that I can tell her all the things I've learned and how beautiful she is. I want to hold her hand and help her jump in puddles when it rains. I wish for her to look at me the way I see my mother, as someone who has overcome.

When I was a kid, I read that kisses taste like chicken | They don't.

A funny thing happens when you no longer know someone: you realize that can't put their face with your memories anymore. It's as if your memories are an imposter... or is it the person you're staring at? Like that gut-flinch you get when you look up into the mirror and you think, "Gosh, that... is me", but you don't recognize yourself. I am always startled by this phenomenon that seems to happen to me every so often... one would think that I have drawn myself enough to have my own features cemented into my brain, but no. They still occasionally surprise me.

This week was just down-right weird. A lot of crazy stuff happened... all of which I am opting out of sharing on here. I get continually frustrated with myself, at my lack of initiative. Last night I was explaining to someone that I try to be "on the ball" as much as possible, and we had a good laugh about how we try to always appear to be on the ball so that everyone will think we're so together, when we're really clawing our way upwards and haven't actually managed to attain anything beyond the ordinary. Ironic, really. I'm glad someone understands how I feel, at least. Then I don't feel so inadequate. Perhaps none of us are really ever "on the ball"? What does that even mean?

Back to the point: I despise my lack of "just do it-ness". I feel like I have a ton of great ideas - especially for work for grad school - and then as soon as I get my chance and my free time, I just pop on the TV or surf the internet. I keep telling myself, "5 more minutes and I'll get started, 5 more minutes". It's exhausting to battle oneself. I wish I could learn to prioritize better. Maybe I need a rubberband around my wrist or something. I get discouraged when I feel like I've wasted my time on idleness - and even worse - that I could've done something about it but I consciously and deliberately chose not to. I don't know why I'm seemingly obsessed with always doing something and feeling guilty for sitting on my butt... perhaps I'm so used to having to multitask and run around like a chicken with my head cut off that I don't know how to operate otherwise.

This life is growing tiresome and unfulfilling; change is in order.

You say you want a revolution? Well, you know.

My feet tread the steps that my eyes can't see.

[ Work in P r o g r e s s ]





















I've been getting more art gigs lately... I've joined the art team at Daybreak church and am working on some photography and graphics projects for their slides, website, and special events. I've also been contacted to audition for a screenplay... pretty interesting stuff. Also have had a few people inquire about my photos on my site...

I wish the sun would come out.

It's been eighteen days since I first held you.

I am so tired of this cycle of getting my hopes up, only to be disappointed again.

Can I ever expect to be impressed? Or should I just resign myself to disappointment for the rest of my life?

I want to cry, but nothing comes out; I guess I could cry if I was surprised... but I'm not.

One day I hope to look back on this post and shake my head at my lack of faith.

Onward and Upward

"There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
It's always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose.
Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side --
It's the climb."

My life feels so new today :) I love Spring; my heart is so sunny.

Praise God for keeping my dad safe during his surgery <3

Rompe Rompe Rompe <3

What a night. Wow.

:) :) :)

I love my crazy beautiful ridiculous priceless laughable life.

I wanna know; can you show me?

I just know there's something bigger out there.

I Do This from Time to Time | <3

...I can't believe it's March. Where did time go? I feel as though I am more acutely aware of the passage of time than ever before in my life. When I was a student, I sprinted through time by deadlines and assignments on the skin of my teeth, now I run marathons through time in calling weeks.

2 weeks is Messiah's Spring Break, and before I can blink it will be Easter, and then before I can take a breath it will be Graduation.

I want my life to burst into bloom. I miss singing in a band. I want to spend more time having fun. I want to take a walk outside. I want to get to know you. I miss my long hair. I want to paint more. I can't wait to open the windows. I can't wait for sunshine and picnics and shorts and longer days and renewed hope.

It's frightening how quickly time has passed since Christmas. I keep reminding myself to "get on the ball." I'm just happy to be alive and well sometimes. I just want to be able to stop and smell the roses.

"Let's make this a new world; I swear you can go if you want to."

Life's waiting to begin.

How far do I have to go to get to you? | Many the miles.

So often I want to do everything I see. I just don't know how to get started.

I forget what it feels like to be meant for somebody.

"There's too many things I haven't done yet
There's too many sunsets I haven't seen."

Popping out of the snow like daisies <3

After being couch-ridden with a ridiculous fever for the past 2 days, I have started to come out of my sickly daze to come to a revelation... I think.

I am okay.

I am oh. kay. After talking with a good friend for some time about relationships, I realize just how far I've come. I often don't give myself credit for the steps I have taken, but maybe it is now time. I think back to junior year, about all the mess I've allowed myself to endure, and I have come out of it with a deeper understanding of how people work, and how much confidence and respect I now have for myself. Everything in life is a learning experience and a chance to grow, even if that growing seems unbearably painful at first. At first it will feel like your heart has been ripped from your very insides, but in time you will come to find that instead of letting someone else love your heart, you have learned to love it yourself. And in that comes deep satisfaction and determination.

I can't believe it's already March. Bring on the sunshine.

Jai Ho to Es'Caerta to Ayudame

"I’ve passed this night dancing on coals
I blew away the sleep that was in my eyes
I counted the stars 'til my finger burned."

--

My heart hurts. I wish there was someone I could talk to. Art is my only refuge, where I can understand myself. I wish I had something to post up.

Pick me up, Love, Everyday.

Necessito salir.

--
Pick me up, oh, from the bottom
Up to the top, love, everyday.
Pay no mind to taunts or advances
I'll take chances on everyday
Left to right, up and down love
Push up love love, everyday.
Jump in the mud, oh,
Get your hands dirty with -
Love it up, oh - everyday.
All you need is -
All you want is -
All you need is love.

Hope is rising.

Most Used Words Since June 28th, 2008.

All of my blog posts since the aforementioned date. Wordle takes all your words and pulls out your most frequently used words and sizes them according to how often they are used. I am so overjoyed to see that God is the largest in my collage <3
Yay Jesus.

Courtesy of Wordle.net - click to enlarge.

Like the strange, gnarled woman selling glowing golden frogs

No matter how hopeless it may seem, and no matter how bereft and isolated I feel, I must always remember that I have something that no one can ever take from me; like a rare jewel embedded into the very cells of my skin, breathing with me, beating within my own heart and causing the blood to course through my veins. It is of exceptional value that cannot ever be matched, and I must remember that it will always be a part of me that no one can duplicate or steal or cheapen.

I don't know why people run. I don't know why things fall through.

I don't know how anybody survives in this life without someone like you.

Will you share your life with me for the next ten minutes?
For the next ten minutes - we can handle that.
We could watch the waves, we could watch the sky,
Or just sit and wait as the time ticks by.
And if we make it 'til then,
Can I ask you again for another ten?
And if you in turn agree to the next ten minutes -
And the next ten minutes - 'til the morning comes.
Then just holding you
might compel me to ask you for more.

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"It's funny how we become increasingly aware of just how many people inhabit this earth when they are every person except the one we are hoping to see."