The Glamourous, Glamourous.

I am so afraid that I will never "make it". In fact, I don't even know what I mean when I even say that. What am I trying to attain? What am I aiming for? What is my ultimate goal?

I have not written very often lately. I guess this blog is a combination of conversations I've had with friends lately, my own anticipation of my own "move" (or, rather, "experimental living" - that sounds weird) to California, and just downright frustration with the possibility of being forced to live back at home.

If you know me, you know I like spontaneity; however, you know that sometimes I get frustrated when there's no set "plan". I am honestly tired of whining about the lack of a plan, and the metaphors about roads and paths are getting really old really fast. Yet I can't help still feeling this way. This past year out of school has honestly felt like a tragedy at times. What I was told would be my freedom has been my jail cell. Me, the naive college grad, believed what everyone told me: the world was at my feet! Go out and grab it! I would kindly like to tell those people, TV ads, well-intentioned cards, etc to shove it. The first year out of school is like going through denial and withdrawal from the best drug your bloodstream has ever tasted. And you are alone. So utterly alone. In an economy that's tanking (although I am starting to believe it may be actually starting to maaaaaybe turn around). You are stuck and it seems like nothing will go your way. In the words of the immortal Mitch Hedberg, "The mailman will get shot to death, the envelope will not seal, and the stamp will be in the wrong denomination. Good luck, fucker! This payment must be made in wampom!" In all summation, you're pretty screwed. But hey, things can only look up. You will only move up in life, won't you? Which brings me to my next point:

Where are we going? Since the day we were born, we were learning, using, and practicing skills that would help us attain that sought-after college degree. And surely that piece of paper would point us in the right direction. It would light the way to the next step. But no one said anything about that next step being in plain sight. Or that you'd have to leap over a cliff's edge to get there, or that you'd have to navigate through a maze to reach it. I still haven't figured out exactly what I want. I want everything. I want to love life. I want to do what I love all day and make a living out of it and have people appreciate it and see it as valuable and beautiful and worthwhile. And I want to inspire people the way I am inspired: to never stop, to always keep going. To be so full of determination that you're almost shaking with excitment. To be SO full of potential that you can't sleep at night because you have so many ideas and you just have to Go. Do. Something.

I want to live a life where I see beauty and share beauty. I want to help others live beautiful, meaningful lives. On a final note, I have an intervirew with The Peoples Shoe in Los Angeles. :) I'm applying to several more places tonight, so hopefully someone else will bite :)

In the meantime, here's my sketchdump.
Click for larger.