Fish in the Sea?

After finishing 5 commission pieces for my boss, I cannot put my book down... it's 1:30am and I have to be up at 6:50am and I can't put it down. I LOVE this series <3

I wonder why I am so preoccupied with love... or my lack thereof. It seems like all of my friends are falling in love and getting married and having babies. If you had asked me a year and a half ago what my life would look like now, I would tell you this: "Married, California". Now, the reality: "Single, Central PA". Surprising.

If there is anything I have learned in the past two years of my life, it is that life is unpredictable and that you can't count on anything but yourself and Jesus because you can think you've got everything you wanted one moment and turn around to find that you are alone with nothing but yourself. I know that that sounds terribly cynical, but I believe it to be true to the core. I have written about it many times here, and I think about it at least a few times a day. I am alarmed at my lack of faith in men, though I am not surprised that I think this way: all evidence points me to believe that men will inevitably wreck you, while your girlfriends help you pick up the pieces. Can you blame me? The media feeds it, my parents are evidence, and so are my past relationships. I am skeptical that I will ever find someone who will be as honourable as they say they are. Honour is a huge thing with me. I want to find a good man who will honour his words with his actions. People say, "You're 22, you have plenty of time", and I know they're right. But this is a real fear of mine... I am not sure even finding that person will fix it. I recognize the residue from my parents' divorce and I think that it is ironic that after all this time when I've really thought I was "over it", I am not over it at all. I think about all of my friends who are engaged... I have forgotten that feeling of being able to trust another person like I would trust myself, to find real comfort in them. I am afraid that I will find the person, but look at them only through a veil of terror. The realization that I can no longer recognize the sensation leaves an empty place in my heart. I want to believe that there will be someone who will prove me wrong about men. I don't need someone perfect, who never messes up and never wants a 'boys night' and always does the dishes for me. I want someone who will be my buddy.

I miss having my buddy.