Happy Christmas, everyone <3

1. I want to feel that thrill again - I hope it's waiting for me in the near future.
2. I love my students. <3
3. SO excited to give gifts tomorrow!
4. Start shooting photos tomorrowwww
5. Going to NYC soon! Can't wait!
6. Finally relaxing.

Thank You, Jesus, for everything You've done for me.

<><>?

It was you and me against the world
And you promised me forever and more
Was it something that I said?
Was it something that I did?
Cuz I gotta know what made me unbeautiful.

I had a dream about you last night. It would have been six years soon. Sometimes I feel like I lost my best friend; things can never be the same. Usually it doesn't bother me; usually I'm over it. Something about the Christmas season always reminds me of you and I don't know why. At least this year I won't have to cry over not seeing you... for the fifth time. I am happy to be seeing you without attachment. I am glad the hurt is over, but sometimes I still wonder what really happened. This trend has become poison in my veins.

I have been trying to think of a good New Years resolution: I will stop blaming myself for things that weren't my fault, and I will start living again.

I also should stop biting my nails. I hate that it's my unconscious de-stressor.

A Day Late________//Anberlin

I wonder if great people have ever thought, "Can I really do this? Do I have what it takes?" It seems as if these people have always been destined for success. Because we, the onlookers, know the outcome of their story, we tell it as if they themselves always knew of their inevitable success. But I think all of us are plagued with doubt most of the time, working vigorously to shove against it and prove ourselves wrong in the end. I am terrified that I will always only just say, "Oh yes, I will do that someday." And then that someday will come and it will pass me by. I cannot allow that to happen.

Getting my camera tonight, and I am just thrilled. <3

But thoughts they change and times they rearrange
I don't know who you are anymore
Loves come and go and this I know
I'm not who you recall anymore
But I must confess you're so much more than I remember.

"Give it time, give it space

and be still for a spell

When it's time to walk that way

We wanna walk it well

Love is waiting 'til we're ready...

'til it's right."

Just taking the steps as I see fit until I bump into you.

Fish in the Sea?

After finishing 5 commission pieces for my boss, I cannot put my book down... it's 1:30am and I have to be up at 6:50am and I can't put it down. I LOVE this series <3

I wonder why I am so preoccupied with love... or my lack thereof. It seems like all of my friends are falling in love and getting married and having babies. If you had asked me a year and a half ago what my life would look like now, I would tell you this: "Married, California". Now, the reality: "Single, Central PA". Surprising.

If there is anything I have learned in the past two years of my life, it is that life is unpredictable and that you can't count on anything but yourself and Jesus because you can think you've got everything you wanted one moment and turn around to find that you are alone with nothing but yourself. I know that that sounds terribly cynical, but I believe it to be true to the core. I have written about it many times here, and I think about it at least a few times a day. I am alarmed at my lack of faith in men, though I am not surprised that I think this way: all evidence points me to believe that men will inevitably wreck you, while your girlfriends help you pick up the pieces. Can you blame me? The media feeds it, my parents are evidence, and so are my past relationships. I am skeptical that I will ever find someone who will be as honourable as they say they are. Honour is a huge thing with me. I want to find a good man who will honour his words with his actions. People say, "You're 22, you have plenty of time", and I know they're right. But this is a real fear of mine... I am not sure even finding that person will fix it. I recognize the residue from my parents' divorce and I think that it is ironic that after all this time when I've really thought I was "over it", I am not over it at all. I think about all of my friends who are engaged... I have forgotten that feeling of being able to trust another person like I would trust myself, to find real comfort in them. I am afraid that I will find the person, but look at them only through a veil of terror. The realization that I can no longer recognize the sensation leaves an empty place in my heart. I want to believe that there will be someone who will prove me wrong about men. I don't need someone perfect, who never messes up and never wants a 'boys night' and always does the dishes for me. I want someone who will be my buddy.

I miss having my buddy.

I bought kickin' gold heels tonight <3

One of my favourite things to do is to go sit at Borders with a happy little cup of coffee or tea and look at art magazines/books and draw in my sketchbook. I have admittedly never been very good with keeping up a sketch journal, though I have lately found it extremely helpful and revitalizing, as well as incredibly relaxing and rewarding; it's wonderful to have a space where I can mess around and make mistakes and not care where my line goes or why. I have been doing a lot of art lately. My heart feels alive when I create beauty...

Lately I've been experimenting a little; I usually idealize the human form, but I would like to start exploring the figure in its complexities. Tonight I was at Borders and found a book of the best photographs of National Geographic and found a lot of inspiration there. I am tired of drawing the same beautiful woman over and over again: I want variety. I want to find the beauty in "ugliness".

"The Dream"

Please Help Support Others <3

Go to the link below and play a fun game to donate rice. This is a win-win situation, so you should do it ;)

http://www.freerice.com/

If I Had My Own World, I'd Build You an Empire

Let me feel you

Carry you higher

Watch our words spread hope like fire

Secret crowds rise up and gather

Hear your voices sing back louder

--

I want to run as fast as I can until my lungs burn so badly I can't take a breath, until my knees disintegrate, until my feet threaten to shatter, until my heart pumps wildly out of control, until I fly, until I catch up with God.

Today is one of those days where I feel my own hungry, creative energy dripping from my fingertips and eyelashes, begging to be unleashed in a torrid flood.

I miss being kissed.






















Tiro! El eria e mor.
I 'lir en el luitha 'uren.
Ai! Aniron...

I just want to make beautiful things in this world and to be understood as someone with a beautiful mind and talented hands.

I think of you from time to time and wonder how you are.

I am so disappointed after this weekend.

I cannot wait to go home for Christmas and have some relaxation.

Sometimes I feel like everyone else is writing poems while I'm scribbling a grocery list.

FREEDOM --

There will come a day when the courage of men fails; but it is not this day.

Good day. It's snowing, I've got fabulous pasta for lunch, I'm listening to Return of the King Soundtrack, and only 4 more hours of work to go in which I get to FINALLY clean my desk <3

Asleep Awake

I feel that my blog will most likely become a sketch/photography blog and that is okay with me. <3

"[ I N F I N I T E ]"
















"What Do You Know?"

Sometimes there's just so much beauty in the world I can barely take it. <3

"Blood Orange"
















Tomorrow will be a fun, fun day!

1. Get presents with Carly at Williams Sonoma
2. Get Starbucks <3
3. Meeting on campus
4. Art Sale for more presents!
5. Into the office I go where I have the whole afternoon to organize, tie up loose ends, and plan the holiday party.
6. Calling shift with my ROCKIN callers
7. Home to relax and make more art because Friday is my day off! <3

You're beautiful and I am awakened by the force of your eyes.

Love.

"Love like the world we know is over in a day."

Upper respiratory infection. Lots of medicines. Lots of sniffles. Art doodling in my art journal. Phonathon calling. Praying. Achiness. Calling mom. Wondering. Green tea. Crazy dreams.

I currently live in a beautiful and feverish haze.

I know I must make art to be happy.

Grandma

Sometimes I really feel old. Not physically old, but I feel aged. I feel used up. I feel spent. I feel like I am looking back at everyone else, wishing to be in their shoes: the world at their feet. No, I wouldn't care if the shoes had holes in them from the places they've been, or dirt caked onto the side from the messes they've admittedly made, stepped in, and then walked off; no. Just the chance to breathe free air again: the chance to make of me whatever I would wish at that moment.

I look down and see my own shoes. Why don't I recognize them: the shoes with the holes and the dirt that I've developed and watched and ironically loved? Someone once said that we let people take pieces of ourselves, we give them away. I still feel you, gnawing at me like a ghost, even though I try to push you away. I feel like a grandmother, watching all of my children live with the freedom and the rapture and the boundless energy that I once had, smiling to myself that I was once in my prime, oh yes. Once I jumped without fear of not landing square on my feet, once I loved with a heart brimming with hope, once I sang at the top of my lungs and didn't care. But those times are over now.

Are they?

I keep trying to tell myself, "No, this is just the beginning; don't be fooled into thinking you're all used up. You are at a new beginning, a different beginning. One admittedly more terrifying, but wonderful and exhilarating." But then I catch sight of my worn shoes, pick them off of my feet, and examine their flaws - my flaws. I look down at the dust on the road, down at my scabby old lady knees who've seen a million years of spills and getting-back-up-agains, down at my weathered hands, down at my aching, wishful heart.

God sees beauty here, I think. Because when I see my worn shoes with their holes, God sees the times that He has carried me because my own two feet could not withstand the journey. When I see the lifeless dust on the road, God sees my past and loves me despite my mistakes. When I see my scabby old lady knees, God sees the twin instruments I bend to, fall to, and am thrown to in times of need. When I see my weathered hands, God recognizes their grip from when He has pulled me upward. And when I see my aching, wishful heart, I hope that God sees someone who is just scared and needs Him, more than anything, and loves Him more than anything.

I love to hear You say
Who I am is quite enough.
You make me worthy of love
And beautiful.

You make all things new.


When time and space are through,
I'll be found in You,
Still standing.

I'll be found in You.

Old Memories, New Art.

I still think of you, you were my best friend... but I can't feel anything for you because of what happened.

"It took too long, it took too long, it took too long, for you to call back,
And normally I would just forget that!
Except for the fact it was my birthday
My stupid birthday!

I played along, I played along, I played along,
Rolled right off my back!
But obviously my armor was cracked,
What kind of a boyfriend would forget that?
Who would forget that!"

I never forgot, so we can never be together again.

I often think about what happened in my past relationships, and though it is sometimes hard to be single I am finding that it's nice to concentrate on who I am. Someone suggested taking time to celebrate the person I am and do the things I want. I am taking up photography. I will do more art. I will colour outside the lines. I am moving to New York City. I will be somebody.

How I miss the times when I let my hair down, when I shook it out, when I scribbled madly and made something beautiful, when I rocked out. When I didn't have to shove myself into work pants and trot around acting professional and pretend to be something I'm not when all I want is to be creative and touch others with my creation and be the fun, crazy, messy, beautiful me that I like best.

Finally, over break I got a chance to draw what I wanted.
Lyliac, my oldest and most beloved character, with new costume. She was a healer, light magess, and librarian. She lost all of her memories of her home and her husband, but keeps a tiny painting of her cherished son within the locket she's holding. Please forgive me for the sketch quality.

I'm burned out.
I'm burned out.
I'm burned out.
I'm burned out.
I'm burned out.
I'm burned out.
I'm burned out.

"This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing."

Why are we always so eager to know what the future looks like? For me, it's because I am hoping that the future will be brighter. I am hoping that the things I work hard on today will lead me to a place of satisfaction. I am hoping that someday there might be someone to share things with. The truth is, I have absolutely no idea what the future will look like and that terrifies me.

"That was like taking a bullet."

Oh, just shoot me now.

I don't get guys.

There are some women who are incredible; you learn so much from their example, and they remind you what it was like to love love love life and celebrate it every day. Without a single word, they challenge you to return to that place in which you learned something in every second, and felt all of your emotions clinging and climbing all over your skin.

People wonder why I'm so cynical

Sometimes I think I should just become a nun. I would not be a very good nun, this is for sure, but at least it would seem to solve some of my problems.

Met the sweetest guy tonight. What's your name? You look really pretty. You look like you're so much fun. I have no idea how to dance with a girl.

Now, here's the question of the day: why isn't it right when it's not you?
Now, here's the question of the century: if I'm so awesome, why do you all turn and run as soon as things might go somewhere? As soon as you might have to stick one damn toe out of your damn comfort zone? As soon as you THINK I might need something more, even though you never even had the bravery to ask, and if you did you would've found that I wasn't ready either? That all I wanted was to have fun?

I am convinced beyond all other persuasion that men lack 99.9% of the courage women possess. Daily I am impressed with the women in my life and how they handle different situations and relationships. I am constantly depressed with men's lack of courage and understanding. The women in my life inspire me with their confidence, while the men in my life disappoint me with their insecurities. I mean, grow some balls and come talk to me if that's what you want. It's not that hard.

GOSH.

The genius and talent in others always inspires me.

Self Portrait Work in Progress
























I miss painting so badly... I can't wait to go to Grad School. Someday. Someday.






"And I loved you... but I probably shouldn't."

"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

I have often asked, "Who am I in Christ?" I'm pretty sure I know where I stand; God has given me many gifts, but this past Sunday's sermon brought up an interesting question when our pastor mentioned, "Who does God say you are?". This certainly wasn't the focal point of the sermon and was merely a thought in a sequence to lead to another point, but I found myself thinking entirely about this one question during the rest of the service (I still did try to pay attention, though!)

Who do You say I am?

I have no idea.

I hope You'd say good things, though. I am trying to make You proud.

It is extremely comforting to read and reread verses in which I am reminded that I am not alone in times of struggle. "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you,": I can think of no better encouragement. I am just trying to get through this time at work with air left in my lungs.

Work in Progress

Something that's been on my mind for awhile... not nearly finished. Lots of detail work to do. Click it for a bigger view <3

Is it alright that I really, really miss just hanging out with you...?

Reach for me, whoever you may be.

I wish there was someone to watch Lord of the Rings with me...

When I was a kid, I always hoped that there was a secret world out there - that'd I'd just have to get lost in the woods far enough - and I would be in the place I've always wanted to be... a place with magic injected into its very veins.

I still look from time to time.

"Come stai, Erin?" "Ai, sto bene? Dove sei la mia mente?"

I am not sure of what to say. I have so many things running all over my brain...

I am extremely frustrated and burnt out... but my callers make it all worth my while. I love them, and they rock so freaking hard. At least I am learning more and more about what I do and don't want... I can't help feeling like there's no one who understands how I feel. I have so much stress in my life, and I am just trying to wade through it as it claws farther up my neck. There isn't even really a light at the end of the tunnel. My exhausted heart just pounds before God, humbly asking Him to remind me that there is a brighter day in store, when things will be more certain, when things will be easier. All I can do is wake up each morning and do the things on my list and hope that relief will eventually come. Sometimes holding myself to a standard of excellence seems almost sadistic. But how can I slow down? If I do, it is reflected so poorly on me, and that is just unacceptable. I do not know how to fail at things. ...I would give just about anything to be a student again. I've been looking at grad schools, some here and there. Just doing research for the future, I suppose. I can't help feeling cramped here in PA. There is so much out there that I am just dying to experience and see and breathe in; and no matter how terrified of it I may be, I just want to dive in, even if it's by myself. Just anxious to matter. Just anxious to make a difference and share beauty with others. I know that that is why God made me. If the veins and cells of my hands can create something that will resonate within someone else, well, then I'll have found my contentment. I am truly humbled that God gave me the gift to make beautiful things, just as He is the creator of beautiful things - that He even poured one ounce of His creativity into me to share it with others is my greatest honour.

May it be an evening star shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh how far you are from home.

--
1. Taking my car in tomorrow, hopefully it will be more efficient afterwards.
2. Love my Hans Zimmer station on Pandora radio.
3. Sort of sad that my book is ending soon, but it means that I'll be able to get back to reading Sword of Truth. And I know I won't be able to put that one dooowwwnnn <3
4. CRAVING Gladiator and sushi like it's my job.
5. I never get a moment alone at the office, so it's incredible to have it now... I miss peaceful, reflective Erin time.

I got tired of waiting
wondering if you were ever coming around
my faith in you was fading
when I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

romeo save me I’ve been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
is this in my head, I don’t know what to think
he knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said,

marry me juliet you’ll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know

I Miss How You Lie With Me

You own everything about it; not me, not me.

The ships have come to take me home, home.

How I long for home, home.

How I miss how you lay beside me.

What I would give to come home again.

On a completely separate note, I figured out why I like Panera cappuccinos best: they taste like Italy. I miss Italy... If I went there, maybe I could forget this life and maybe my heart would be full of happy curiosity again.

...what can I say about this? I'm not sure about anything... except that I'm scared. I'm not ready to dive into a relationship... how ironic. I am afraid of commitment... I'm not ready for serious. I just wanted to have fun. Why is this getting ahead of me? I'm not over it... I'm not ready to "be" with someone else...

Latest sketch for a painting I'm thinking of:

And just when I thought the weekend couldn't tire me out enough... I want to go out again :)

The way that you're walkin
The way that you're talkin
You're the one I wanna spend this night with.

Very unexpected meeting... so much fun. Never thought I'd hit it off like that.

Ultimately, I just wanna keep having fun. :)
--

And yet...
I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out, I breathe in
If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
I'd make you believe,
I'd make you forget.

If I could, I'd make me forget.

Hebrews

"Always entertain strangers, for in doing so you have entertained angels."

What a lovely day. It's been a busy week... I've had so much to do at work I've barely had time to think about anything else. I really miss doing art... I have no time. Praise God for the opportunity to be me every day of my life.

There must be a person out there somewhere who will see me for who I have become and hold me and understand. There's gotta be somebody for me like that. There's gotta be somebody who really is different.

I take that back. Sometimes I don't feel ready for anything.

I'm ready to meet you, whoever you are.

...it's just time.

"And so I rode the waves of my euphoria, and crashed amongst the debris of my despair."

"When you're going through hell, keep going."

So tired. So tired.

My life has become so interesting, and it surprises me every day. Perhaps I need to really see the people I sometimes don't see and start to really invest in the things I merely would toss spare change at before.

The most unexpected people can remind you of who you are, and how you've almost forgotten that person. And how you can't let them go.

Tonight I realized that I have built a ten-foot wall around me that was never there before.

I should tell you, I should tell you
I should tell you, I should - no
Another time - another place
Our temperature would climb
There'd be a long embrace
We'd do another dance
It'd be another play.

Baby, your picture's gone; couldn't stand to see your smile.

I'm trying to erase you from my mind.

--
I doubt you ever think of me. I'm so tired of remembering you.

Can someone erase my memory, please?

No, it's not enough
Don't touch my hand and call it love
If you can't hold it tight tonight
If you're not strong enough.

--
I am okay a lot of the time. And other times I am reminded of just how disappointed I am.

You say you want a revolution, well you know, we all wanna change the world.

Don't you know it's gonna be alright?

--
I am doing so many things all at once. I'm like a cocktail of emotions - colourful, exciting, but it'll put you on the floor before you know it. Honestly, I am enjoying my single nature... it's not something I've experienced a lot of, and it's proven to be pretty okay so far. I think, in every area of my life, God is trying to tell me, "Erin! Get a move on! You've got so much in front of you - your opportunities are endless!" If only God would put a neon sign in front of my face and tell me which way to go... I feel like I have too many options right now. I want to do something awesome in my career, I'm just not sure how to take the first steps. Once I get on the road, I'm good, though. I need to decide where I would like to go to grad school and start putting together my portfolio - I know it'll take at least a year or two to come up with work good enough for MICA, NYU, or RISD. We will see.

But everyday proves to be another day that I'm alive and thankful. Whatever doesn't kill me will only make me stronger, and I am constantly reminded that I'm pretty darn strong. A lot has happened. You used to say "hold on to me"; well, I held on. And you let go. And I'm still here, standing.

I don't think I need you.

Everything I am is for Your glory; everything I am, for You, Lord!

The earth stands still without You; we can only move because You made us to.

There are a million things that move and inspire and enthrall my heart. Sometimes the world is so beautiful that my heart hurts inside of my chest because it's too much to take in at once. One of God's most wonderful creations is colour. God bursts forth from all colours, reaching out, putting His fingerprints all over my heart, captivating me. God knows me so well; He knows exactly how to get my undivided attention.

I want people to look at me and to see a woman who is after God's heart.

I want to love You more tangibly; I want to seek You in every single moment of my life. I want to forget all of my hurts and doubts and fears and find real hope in You. I have become cynical; I do not trust anyone on this planet to care for me except for myself. I have known this since I was a child. My mother has always said to me, "Erin, no matter what - you must always be able to support and care for yourself". Perhaps this is the nature of my parents' divorce, but this is hardwired into me. I can only count on myself, for I am the only one would will be standing with me in the end, apart from God. This perspective is all the more enforced by my past relationships. And yet, I am still wondering, with broken curiosity and trembling fingers, if such a person exists: is there one person that God has made for me, who will stand beside me? I am terrified to find happiness. I have found it before, and it was turned off with almost robotic intentionality. When I find happiness, I do not give myself fully to it, I am still shy and distant because I am afraid of this very thing happening. I have since learned that it will inevitably happen - it is only a matter of time before happiness simply ceases to exist and I am left alone, still trying to recover from the shock. I want to believe that God loves me enough to design such a person for me: someone who sees me as I am, who sees my fears and understands them, someone who will not give up on me because they are afraid. I want to believe this; understandably, I am sometimes doubtful. But I think that maybe the lesson I need to learn is not that I should not ever open myself up to another; perhaps the lesson here is that I need to find this completeness and happiness in God first.

I am starting to learn. Everyday I learn. Everyday I grow. I am moving on in the best way I know how. Praise God for women; He designed them to be such wonderful creatures. I am thankful beyond words for the counsel and fellowship of my friends.

As I go on in my life, even when everything else seems uncertain and unpredictable, I have always been able to come to You in my weakest moments, when I surely thought I would not see the light of another day, and You have always always always been faithful to me. I doubt and I struggle on a daily basis, and You know my inmost thoughts; You made me into who I am. Thank You for the ability to create beautiful things and share them with others - You know better than anyone the joy of creation! I will stand by You always, even if I stand by nothing and no one else.

Everything I am is for Your glory; everything I am for You, Lord.

And now I am rebooting.

What a fantastic night ;) I do enjoy being a girl.

"That's life: computers crash, people die, and relationships fall apart. The only thing we can really do is breathe and reboot."
--

I am so disillusioned with everything that you ever were to me.

Today, I finally understand why this happened.

I still measure my life in love.

Have you ever just known something... all your life?

Someone reminded me today that life is for the taking, and that they know I will take it and do great things.

Well. Onward and upward.
--
Share love,
Give love,
Spread love,
Measure your life in love.

Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Neverending, Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart is to bring You praise

--

Help me to understand Your plan for me.

Where You will lead me, I will follow.

I still want to believe in love.

Take Me As I Am, Lord

This is still the deepest desire of my heart. I ask for it every day.
--
You are the open door to freedom

You are the only hope I have

The reason in my reasons

The only thing that lasts

How could I begin to settle

When all within me longs

To step into the shelter of Your everlasting arms?

I wanna get carried away

I wanna get tossed by Your waves

I don't care where or how deep

I'm gonna jump in with both feet

I wanna get carried away

I wanna lost in Your ways

I wanna be held by Your Truth

I wanna behold all of You

I'm gonna be all Yours today,

I wanna get carried away.

The Leaves are Turning

It's almost October already... how did that happen?

Sometimes it's hard to work at Messiah because I have to walk through all of my memories over and over again. Sometimes it's saddening - a geographical reminder of the things that have since passed me by and left me. Retracing my footsteps makes me feel empty that things are not the same anymore.

What I wouldn't give to start over with the knowledge I have now. I suppose the only thing to do at this point is learn from my mistakes and try not to make them again.

Oh, won't you light my candle?

The songs have new meanings
But my voice still sounds beautiful singing them.
That hasn't changed.

--

I can listen to Rent and Across the Universe again. Finally. It feels wonderful :)

Rent is one of my fondest memories. Thank you.

Today was a beautiful day... Carly and I made a huge pot of coffee with nutmeg and cinnamon and watched TV and I painted all day long <3 And then we chilled at Barnes and Noble in the evening with DJ :)

--

Without you, the eyes gaze,
the legs walk, the lungs breathe.

Walk Me Down Your Broken Line

Late night, listing.

1. You give and You take away... and You've always taught me to understand that.
2. I miss Italy so much...
3. I have been craving sushi but no one else likes it.
4. I am so glad I have tomorrow off!
5. I want to watch the first Harry Potter... I've been wanting to all week.
6. TGIF and the girls and I are going out <3
7. I hope my letter comes soon.
8. Why did I have to find those postcards?
9. I still miss Italy. I wish it was May so I could go there. Everything there has such a personal history to it - such a breath of wisdom and age to it. Everything is deep in Italy.
10. I want to be productive tomorrow and that means going to bed...

Goodnight.

Pray for me?

A Collection of Various Thoughts

I am realizing more and more that I am tied to nothing. I can go wherever I want to. Where will I go? What do I want to do? This answer is mine alone and I can already feel my ambition tugging on my sleeve.

Wow.

Where shall I go? Here am I. Send me.

--

My passion is something no one will ever take away from me. You can break me, but you can never take my talents away from me. They will always be with me, making me who I am. I will always be able to find comfort, strength, and satisfaction in them.

--
My faith gets me through every part of every day.

In this time of fear
When prayer so often proved in vain
Hope seemed like the summer birds
Too swiftly flown away
And now I am standing here
With heart so full I can't explain
Seeking faith and speaking words
I never thought I'd say

There can be miracles
When you believe
Though hope is frail
It's hard to kill
Who knows what miracles
You can achieve
When you believe
Somehow you will
You will when you believe

Ashira l'adonai ki gaoh ga-ah
Ashira l'adonai ki gaoh ga-ah
Mi chamocha baelim adonai
Mi kamocha nedar bakodesh

Nachita v'chas-d'cha am zu ga-alta
Nachita v'chas-d'cha am zu ga-alta
Ashira ashira ashira

--
The most interesting thing in life is to find yourself in a similar place that you were in before and reflect back on it. I have my moments of doubt and agony, but also of empowerment and determination. Going back and reading through my Livejournal with what happened with Andrew (today is the day) is actually comforting because I know that I have gone through these things before and I still came out having learned a ton about myself, having a stronger, closer walk with Christ, and having found happiness, even if it was fleeting. I know (or at least hope) that my happiness won't always be short-lived.

Last year I wrote,

"This woman knows how to take the broken pieces of her heart and transform them. This woman is confident, strong, beautiful, and intelligent. And when she looks at herself in the mirror, like she said so many months ago, she sees someone worthwhile, loved by God, and loved by her friends and family. And no one can take that away from her."

And it's still true.

That's What You Get.

I'm going out. So I'm rocking out. Listening to this.
--
I can't decide
You have made it harder just to go on
And why?
All the possibilities...
Well I was wrong

That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa!
That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa...
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa.

I wonder, how am I supposed to feel when you're not here.
'Cause I burned every bridge I ever built when you were here.
I still try... holding onto silly things, I never learn.
Oh why? All the possibilities. I'm sure you've heard.

That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa!
That's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa..
I drowned out all my sense with the sound of its beating.
And that's what you get when you let your heart win. Whoa.

Pain, make your way to me, to me
And I'll always be just so inviting.
If I ever start to think straight.
This heart will start a riot in me.

In the Arms of Your Mercy I Find Rest

I find that every time I go searching for You, I find You. Every time I look for You, You are there waiting for me. Your words are always the same: "I will never leave you, no matter what happens". You have never let me down.

This verse has been at the front of my thoughts:

"When you pass through the waters, I will be with you.

And when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you.

And when you walk through the fire, you will not be burned."

Isaiah 43:2

Esperar

You aren't in the places I remember you.

The breeze felt good on my arms today. I wish I had more time to take a walk and think and talk to God. I wish it was raining so I could walk in it. There was an electricity in the air today, a living thing, a presence that rippled through my work clothes. I felt so serene and quiet. I felt like my eyes could see a million things at once and take it all in. God's colours were brighter today; perhaps because He knew I was stopping to notice.

The world was beautiful today.

Women are like a family.

Sketch time - Finally got time for art :)

Why isn't this working?

Still the most incredible thing I've seen.

I want adventure in the great, wide somewhere
I want it more than I can tell.
And for once, it might be grand
To have someone understand
I want so much more than they've got planned...

Everyone should listen to "Shadowfeet" by Brooke Fraser.

Still still still

I usually only post a portion of song lyrics. This deserves them all.

I picked up an email address today for a church in Mechanicsburg that is looking for worship leaders/musicians/singers. I will be looking into it. Today God has reminded me of why He gave me a big heart; it is to be filled with the big heart of another.

You should know that you're not alone.

-- "High and Lifted Up" by Hillsong
Lord of all the earth
And all of heaven
I come and seek Your face
Worship You with all I have within me
Humbled by Your grace

Every heart, every nation
Every tribe, all creation
Will bow before Your presence and sing

You are high and lifted up
You are high and lifted up
And my soul sings hallelujah
To the Lamb
The Lamb of God

Lord of righteousness
You come in glory
Bright and morning star
All my days I'll worship and adore You
Healer of my heart

Every prayer, every cry
You alone satisfy
We will lift Your praise
Again and again

You are high and lifted up
You are high and lifted up
And my soul sings hallelujah
To the Lamb
The Lamb of God

Please let me stay and rest in Your holiness

I realize that this is not the best venue for some of my feelings and will therefore not be writing them here anymore.

--

Today was good. We had the Opportunities Fair at Messiah, which proved to be entirely too interesting and informative for a number of reasons. I feel so blessed to be surrounded by a community of believers that really support me. I have asked God to just walk with me these past few days, and I have truly felt Him there. I am reminded of how He is in control, and I feel comfort in it. I think He is trying to remind me that the only thing I need is Him. This summer I have felt closer to God than I have in a long time... I feel myself growing in understanding, and I never cease to be amazed at the wisdom and insight others have. There are times when I have taken fellowship for granted; what a wonderful thing that God designed :) Sometimes I have to laugh at how God reminds me that my insecurities are only things that I have the power to change. He did it so creatively today. So unexpected.

I can't wait for Girls' Night tomorrow night. I love my friends like crazy and I am so blessed to have them. :)

For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord

So what can I say?
And what can I do?
Than offer this heart, O God,
Completely to You.

So I'll stand,
With arms high
And heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all.
And I'll stand
My soul, Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours.

--
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame.
My heart and my soul
I give You control
Consume me from the inside out.

--
Ps. 81: 5-6: I heard an unknown voice say, "Now I will take the load from your shoulders I will free your hands from their heavy tasks. You cried to me in trouble and I saved you. I answered out of the thundercloud and tested your faith."

I know that somewhere there is a plan for me.

Where are the signs?
Which way should I go?
I planned each step,
But now I don't know.
Tomorrow is a chasm of uncertainty,
But I will go there
If You go with me.

Gentle Saviour, lead me on.
Let Your Spirit light my way.
Gentle Saviour, lead me on.
Hold me close, keep me safe, lead me on.
Gentle Saviour, lead me on.

But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

More and more every day.

This is my deepest wish.
--

God, You know the most sincere desire of my heart. I have asked for it for all of my life. I ask for it every day. I will continue to wait on Your time, because I know it is perfect. Show me the way.

Ahhhh I have no time for art! :( :( :(

Patience is a Puzzle Lost in the Attic

Today I was chatting with one of my coworkers and she said something I don't think I've ever really considered before. We were talking about being patient during difficult or exciting times, and she said this: "You must remember to be patient with yourself". My breakup with Andrew has been internally very disquieting. While difficult at the time, it is especially hard now to look at myself and not see all of my insecurities. I operate under the assumption that whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger - and that has never, ever been untrue for me. That experience was certainly a time of growth, pain, and learning for me; it has made me stronger in many, many ways and I am grateful for the things I have come to discover about myself, the world, love, and God. I am a problem-solver; if I find a problem, if I recognize it, I assume that I have the ability to systematically rid myself of it. I think of it this way: I think of my mind as an attic with boxes everywhere. When I speak about recognizing problems, I tend to visualize things that are out of order in my attic. To rid myself of this problem, I feel as though I should be able to simply pick up those things that I'd rather not have there anymore and put them in an empty box, and then put the box outside of my attic in the dumpster. Funny thing is that after I come back in from the dumpster, I find all of those things back on the floor of my attic, scattered about. This week has especially been a challenge, as I had felt that I had started to finally clear some of that stuff out, but it's like someone came in with a truckload of crap and dumped it all about in disarray, messing up my order of things and swamping me with old memories that are too painful to even say here.

And then my coworker said, "You must remember to be patient with yourself". Patient with myself? No no, I had never considered this. I see something on the floor, I pick it up and immediately put it into the empty box for the dumpster. I had never considered that perhaps I could not do that right away. She spoke about being in the time you are in instead of wishing for things to happen more quickly. For me, this means living - however painfully - with my fears instead of immediately shoving them out the door and wondering why they won't go away the instant I shut them out. She spoke about waiting for God because His timing is perfect. This I have come to find to be very, very true. There are so many things that I thank God for on a daily basis; I surely would not have survived by my own flawed guidance. Funny thing is that, now that I think about it, I have only ever asked God for peace and patience in this situation. I have never thought to ask Him to heal me. I assumed that I would heal myself; perhaps this is why I was so quick to get rid of all my "garbage". This is my way of healing. Perhaps this is why I still haven't healed.

This is where I must shake my head and laugh. Here I am, thinking I have myself figured out - thinking I have God figured out - and bam. Surprise. I can't heal myself. Why did I even think I could? Perhaps all of my boxes were too heavy for me to get out the door by myself; they become so much more manageable with someone to help me carry them.

Truly laughing out loud as I write this in my office. I feel like I have found the one puzzle piece that has been missing for 20 years under the couch, and now I can complete the puzzle and see the whole picture.

"You have been more faithful than the morning sun.
You have been more faithful than knowing night will come.
You have been more faithful than the changing of seasons."

I always like to pull up behind people with lots of bumper stickers on their car.

The only medicine right now is hitting the notes perfectly.
--
How do you leave the past behind
When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?
It reaches way down deep
And tears you inside-out
'til you're torn apart.

Sometimes the best things don't come right away.
They are deliberated upon and dwelt upon
Until no other answer could be clearer or more solidified.
The certainty and conviction is what makes it all the more true.
The passing whim passes,
The heated moment subsides.
But you.
You deserve so much more than a passing whim
Or a heated moment.

God, I've made so many mistakes.
Every time I think about you I get so angry.
All the money in the world buys you absolutely nothing as far as I'm concerned.

Hope hope hope

I am Speechless.

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.
--

What it was that I did for You to bless me in ways I can't even speak about without my eyes watering with joy?

There's the strangest excitement today; if you're awake then you're welcome to hear.

There's so much.

God is awesome like words can't describe.
I love love love to sing.
I can't wait for Friday :D
I love stand-up comedy.
I am so encouraged.
I love paychecks.
I love Art History.
I love looking pretty <3

--
I swear I'll melt if you touch me at all
and then I'll ask you to do it again and again.

In my life, he has burst like the music of angels,
the light of the sun.
And my life seems to stop as if something is over,
and something has scarcely begun.

--

I have decided. Finally.

Streetlamps

I’ll sing along
The whole day through
Just do your best to hear me
It’s all you can do

You have my attention
Like you’ve had all the while
Since that first day when you made my heart smile
With loving eyes and tired sighs that flow
You have my attention
Like a shout through an empty sanctuary
Speak but a whisper

I’ll hear a sermon.

Hahaha. I have no idea.

Let me know if you're really a dream.

I wish it would rain.
God, I wish it would pour.

I don't know why this week should be labeled weepy.

Well. I asked You to teach me patience. And now I'm learning it in the most potent, agonizing way possible, I think.

Give me the strength, because I don't have to tell You that I'm about to scream in frustration; You already know my heart. Give me the strength; I know I don't have it alone.

We say, "Oh Lord! Teach me patience!", expecting that God will quiet our hearts and help us simply to think about other things as a way to stop being so lonely. That is not how He is teaching me. I have learned something completely new about my faith today.

Maybe You are teaching me in the best way even though I don't see it; maybe You are mending my heart from the things that came long ago that I still haven't recovered from.

I don't do well when things aren't "fair". Someone... please

We Interrupt this Scheduled Programming to Bring You an Emo Moment

[insert frustrated tears here]

Today is so hard. Can you help me to forget?

The strands in your eyes that color them wonderful
Stop me and steal my breath
Emeralds from mountains thrust toward the sky
Never revealing their depth
Tell me that we belong together
Dress it up with the trappings of love
I'll be captivated
I'll hang from your lips
Instead of the gallows of heartache that hang from above

Take these broken wings and learn to fly; all your life.

Close your eyes and I'll kiss you
Tomorrow I'll miss you
Remember I'll always be true.
--
Listing again. Work is tiring me out.

1. I no longer understand what forever looks like.
2. I just want to make a difference in the small time that is given to me.
3. I love my coworkers.
4. I miss you.
5. I hate to cry in front of other people.
6. I get to see my Daddy on Thursday :)
7. Just got a cool idea for a new piece.
8. Don't wanna go down and unload the dishwasher.
9. The Politics of God are sticky.
10. It's time.

California, Rest in Peace. Simultaneous release.

More listing, because today I'm lazy.

1. I worship best through music.
2. I wish I had another vacation this summer; definitely missing the beach...
3. I don't know what happened, and it makes my heart oh-so-sad.
4. Everyone always asks about my favourite song/band. I've never really been able to answer... and then "Dani California" by Chili Peppers came on my iPod. It's been one of my most favourite, and every time I hear it I play it over 10 times and rock out and never tire. So for now, it has Favourite Status. First song in the history of Erin to have the title.
5. In such an artsy mood :)
6. I love love love my red shoes <3
7. I feel like an old lady half the time. Just sent in my retirement plan papers for my 403B and got my own policy at Geico. Wahh childhood, where are you hiding? Come back out and let's play. Please?
8. Viewing my possible new apartment on Saturday; pretty stoked.
9. I want a nice camera SOOO bad. I could work wonders with it, I'm sure.
10. Hoping to see my dad this week/weekend for his birthday.

And I've discovered that my castle stands on pillars of salt and pillars of sand.

I think that maybe we both need to stop pretending that we weren't hurt.
Maybe you're still shaking from it just like me.
Take my hand; stay my trembling fingers.
If you only knew.
...I would never do that to you. Ever.
I'm so tired of false promises.
Sometimes I think you are too.
Thing is, with pain comes wisdom.
I no longer make empty promises.
I know how they tend to turn out.
It's the reason I am so hesitant, so insecure
If you didn't know; if you hadn't've guessed it by now
And you're too special, too incredible to just say it in the moment
I've gotta mean this.
You deserve the very, very, very best.
Can't put enough very's there.

Alleluia - You are the reason in everything. You are all my reasons.

Every valley 
Every bitter chill 
Made me ready to climb back up the hill
And find that . . .  

You are sunrise 
You are blue skies 
How would I know the morning 
If I knew not midnight? 

You’re my horizon 
You’re the light of a new dawn 
So thank You, thank You 
That after the long night, You are sunrise 
-- 
One of those days that starts out really crummy,
but God suddenly says, "Hey, I made the world.
Look around, it's beautiful. And I'm going to show it to you."
And then He does.
--
In the arms of Your mercy, I find rest
'Cause You know just how far the East is from the West - 
From one scarred hand to the other

Help... please.

I wanna get carried away
I wanna get tossed by Your waves
I don't care where or how deep
I'm gonna jump in with both feet.
I wanna get carried away
I wanna get lost in Your ways
I wanna be held by Your truth
I wanna behold all of You.
I'm gonna be all Yours today.
--
I always forget how much I owe You on a daily basis. Your enduring faithfulness amazes me still. I stand in awe of You.

I have asked You before, and You have granted it to me; once again, please give my heart peace. Help me with the struggles I know I don't even need to speak aloud for You to know. Teach me patience; I know that now is the time to learn. Guide me in everything I do.

All go, no quit.

We live and we learn to take one step at a time

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you've always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you're gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
--
And I know that You will give me the courage to do all the things I know I must.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil. 4:13

So many new things. Sometimes my heart feels like it might burst with excitement.
--
I can't wait to see you again. Goodness gracious, you are wonderful.

Such a song in my heart!
--

And here is a self portrait work in progress. I apologize for the shoddy quality, it was a quick screenshot. New style, old technique.

This crazy, mixed up thing we all call life.

When It Rains

And oh, oh, how could you do it?
Oh I, I never saw it coming.
--
Disclaimer: I am going to rant. There will be bad words involved. Sorry, I am having a hard time.

Okay. One two three, breathe. ...go.

I am so tired of my damn, stupid fears. Here I am, so blessed... and I can't be truly truly truly happy like I know I deserve/should/want to be. Because I am held back by fear. I am held back by fear of history repeating itself. And I'm tired of it. I want that little voice in my head to go away. I want to put all of my stupid, old doubts that no longer have any grounding and box them up and shove them off, and put them across the sea and away from me. And I want that box to sink to the depths of the ocean and be lost for a thousand years. For so long, I will forget that I even had those doubts and those fears. I want it to leave me alone so I can be the Erin I know is still around, buried under all the layers of bad-relationship garbage. The Erin that loves unconditionally, uncontrollably, with wild abandon, with no restraint, without hope or agenda. The Erin who trusts like her trust has never been broken before. The Erin that hopes above all things because God has given her a hopeful, sunny mind, the Erin that leaps in because she just knows and feels, the Erin who isn't afraid to be open and honest and who doesn't lock away certain parts of her heart. The Erin who, when it is given, gives her whole, complete heart.

God gave me a big heart for a reason: so it could be filled with the big heart of someone else. So it could love wholly, so it could love for a lifetime and never tire.
--
That's it. Fear, goodbye. I dismiss you. Into your box you go and across the sea and down to the bottom so I can forget you.
--

Could you fix it? We've got time, and right now that's all I want. Just time with you.

Keep me safe inside
Your arms like towers
Tower over me

Thunderstorms

Today is one of those days when the sky is gray all day and you know that it's just aching to burst open and let out all of its rain. Rather, I suppose I am the one aching for it to burst. I'd go out and stand in it and just close my eyes. The best weather comes when it's sticky hot and it grows dark, dark, darker - unnaturally dark for the time of day. There is excitement there, when the humidity pushes against all of your pores and invades all of your senses. And you can just smell the rain and you can't see your shadow no matter which way you turn. You hear the storm boil, and that first crack of lightning and roll of thunder bring an inevitable smile to your face. And then you start to feel cool pricks all over your bare skin. Finally, you are drenched.

It is my favourite because it reminds me of when I was a little girl.

Today has never happened before. I realize more every day.

Just a little more time, be patient.

I don't think I will ever understand death.

So have I.

But I'm willing to learn. Are you? You're worth it.

Goodness, you're so worth it.

Half the Time I Can't Explain My Heart

I miss the sound of your voice
And I miss the rush of your skin
And I miss the still of the silence
As you breathe out and I breathe in

If I could walk on water
If I could tell you what's next
Make you believe that this one (me) is different
Make you forget that you've ever been hurt

So come on, get higher, loosen my lips
Faith and desire and the swing of your hips
Just pull me down hard
And drown me in love.

The Suck, When it Comes

I hate when the hard times come. No, I am not upset or distressed at the moment. This is not something I would define as a "hard time". I'm actually just really tired. Sweet Jesus, why did You allow them to create 40 hour weeks? Oh yes, so we could all pay for gas. :P

Ironically, I know that the hard times and the suckiness is what makes everything worthwhile in the end. But sometimes I just hope to get through the suck alive. The difference comes when you realize that - even if the world is falling to bits and everything's hard and awkward - you realize that you're not willing to let go of their hand, for anything. And that's what makes the suckiness worthwhile: when you've got someone who's thinking the same thing.

If I Had My Own World, I'd Build You an Empire

...and the reality is that I would.

Maybe, maybe.

If I had my own world
I'd build you an empire
From here to the far lands
To spread love like violence

Let me feel you, carry you higher
Watch your words spread hope like fire
Secret crowds rise up and gather
Hear your voices sing back louder.
--
Maybe one day. Maybe you would. Maybe I really could. Maybe it would be the greatest thing.

So close
So close
And still so far.

I Can Almost Believe that I'm Almost Enough

Sometimes I wonder if I feel the same way about you that you feel about me. Wouldn't that be wonderfully revealing?

I am not accustomed to showing the depths of my feelings with any kind of freedom from fear. I have learned to give bland expressions of how I really feel in order to protect myself in the future. This iron mold has cramped my muscles and warped my lips into frowns. It has crushed my wings, it has twisted my ankles, it has deafened me.

I must break free, because honestly,

I miss everything about you. I miss your laughs. I miss when you kiss my forehead. I miss walks. I miss holding your hand. I miss being silent with you. I miss the hallway in Frey. I miss how you smell. I miss how light my heart feels when you're around. I miss the butterflies that form in my stomach whenever you walk in. I miss how you tower over me. I miss your smile.

"I make lists in my sleep, baby, what's my sin? : Never quit, I follow through."

1. I am singing to RENT to ease loneliness.
2. It's 10:45pm and I'm exhausted from my first day.
3. I love harmony.
4. I guess there's time for everyone else except for me - so disheartening. Done investing I suppose, because you are obviously done with me for no reason at all. :/
5. I am painting my bedroom this weekend, which is exciting. I love to decorate and I've got quite a few ideas up my sleeve.
6. I love my job.
7. I am unbelievably ready for it to be August when all of my friends move back to Hburg.
8. I want an adventure. So. Badly.
9. I want to hold you. Goodness, I just want to hold you sometimes.
10. It's thunderstorming and it's beautiful.

Life as a Real Person Begins Tomorrow.

About to take the next step.

Everything I am I owe to Your enduring faithfulness. Thank you.
In Christ alone my hope is found.
He is my light, my strength, my song.
This Cornerstone, this solid ground -
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm.
What heights of love,
What depths of peace,
When fears are stilled,
When strivings cease.
My Comforter.
My All in All.
Here in the love of Christ I stand.

You speak secret words that only you mean
And you charm me,
All the same.
For I am dying to decipher.

How many times did you reach for my hand and I walked away simply because I didn't know?

I can see that you're different.

Let it Be

I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom:
'I want you to let it be, yeah yeah
Let it be
Let it be
Let it be
Oh, there's gonna be an answer -
I want you to let it be, yeah yeah'.
--
Trying to let it be.

I Reflect A lot

All I want is for you to hold me close
and dance with me in the kitchen.
Spin me around, let me rest my head
Against your strong chest.
I'll let you lead.
I promise.

--

It is offically 4am and I just read through over a year of my old livejournal.

I was miserable... how could I call that love?
And now I see so clearly... now I see you. And it's all I can do to keep from smiling like never before.

Not Just Art, but I'm also a Music Girl. Who Would've Thought?

I miss musical theatre.
I miss singing with others and feeling music surrounding me.
I miss being engulfed in harmony.

I love art, but I didn't realize how little time I would have for all of my other passions. I am determined to join a church choir, at LEAST.

Funny thing is, I didn't even realize at the time that I was throwing myself into art wholeheartedly. I didn't realize I would be giving away a huge huge part of me. I knew nothing about art at the beginning, other than I had a natural knack for it. I'd never even had an art class. I look back and realize that my whole high school career is just a fond memory. And that makes me happy and sad at the same time. Kind of hard to explain. A lot of what I learned then is used every day now. I never get stage fright. I love public speaking - it doesn't bother me at all. Tonight I found all of my Godspell pictures from my first production, all of my music books, and an old CD of "Baby", which has the spunkiest music (download "Two People in Love" for something that will make you smile - see below for the lyrics).

I love being on stage. It feels like home. Goodness, I miss it so badly sometimes.

Funnier thing is, unless you knew me back then, you probably would have no idea. You probably have never heard me sing. Sad in a way. I studied music with my voice teacher for 4 years; opera, contemporary, broadway, everything really. I sung in downtown Baltimore in an opera festival. I was in over 7 musicals, sung in concert choir for 3 years, lead worship band for 3 as well.

Where did this part of me go?

I will change this. I want that half of me back.

Music moves me, and I want to be able to move others with my music again.
--
I'm having a vision
I suddenly see it:
The magnitude of two people in love!
How could I have missed it?
It had to have been there...
But I needed you to show me.
We have so much power that's locked inside us
Every time I touch you, it flows!
The energy of,
Capacity of,
The infinite sweep of two people,
Two people in love!

You are there // I am here.

...sometimes the need for reflection helps us to sort out all that is going on. I suspect that this will be a longer post. I think I really need to just say some things.

So many times in my life I wonder about my purpose. I was the girl who could spend hours upon hours in a refrigerator box. I was the girl who coloured her life with oranges and reds and aquas. I was the girl who never tired of dress-up. I was the girl who would not let her younger sister see her cry when their father drove off. I was the girl who loved life with such a vibrant fierceness that she thought her heart would often burst out of her chest. Sometimes I have to break free and run until my legs burn. Sometimes I have to paint until my eyes burn. Sometimes I have to stand in the rain. Sometimes I have to be quiet and listen. I was the girl who never gave up, even when she thought there was no way out. God has saved me, in so many ways.

If only I could just say the things I want to say. So openly, so freely.

I wish I was a more poetic writer. I wish I could tell you how much I care for you.

I have talked before about wanting something so badly that words were not sufficient to express the desire. Here I am, once again, sitting in agony, trying to say exactly what it is I know I cannot. I have many moments like this. God swells in my heart so frequently, and I so frequently feel my human inadequacy. The world is incredibly, deeply, and powerfully beautiful. I am constantly knocked flat on my back by the wonder of God's creation. How does God create colours? How did He know that certain ones could make our hearts beat faster? God knows me well enough to know when my heart nearly breaks because of the beauty in the world. There are just some things I cannot say. When I look at you, when you are asleep, I see more than you might imagine. I was born with the gift to see things differently - the gift of seeing as an artist - of seeing the beauty in everything. You are by far the thing that I see the most wonder in; the thing that I cannot comprehend how God could make someone like you. You have taught me so much already, and I don't think you could know how quickly you captured my heart. I didn't realize it until it was already a done deal. And then I sat, dumbfounded, laughing, at the reality of it.

I am afraid to tell you. That is how I am. There are so many things I don't know how to put into words. Hard things that I don't think I can say just yet. And yet, against all my rational reasons for things, I find myself hoping and hoping. I am afraid to hope. There, I said it. I am afraid to be abandoned. There, I said it.

But I believe that my purpose is to love. And be loved. Again, I speak about something I hope for and desire more than I could possibly say. I long to give my children the things I never had. I long for them to know a whole, happy family - not a broken one. There are so many things I want.

I don't know what else to say.

First Thoughts/An Introduction

Well... everyone seems to have one of these, so I decided that it was time I jumped on the bandwagon.

Let's see. If you're reading this, you probably already know something about me, so I can go ahead and skip the details.
This summer has been an interesting one. Such a time of transition for me. I graduated, and here I am, ready to start on my career path. I was recently offered the position of Annual Giving Coordinator at Messiah, and accepted with enthusiasm. Maybe it just hasn't hit me yet, but I'm only a little bit nervous. I start July 7th, which is only about a week away. I hope I like it. Everyone on the team seems very, very nice. Hopefully I will be able to do the job successfully - just anxious to matter.

Things are going extremely well for me, which I am very happy to report. I believe in honesty, and I will uphold it here when I say that this year has been one of the most difficult for me; however, I have surprised myself with the decisions I've made. Some of the best decisions of my life. I have always known that I am a pretty smart cookie - I would hope that others would agree with me when I say that I don't think I made too many stupid moves.

To quote Dwight Schrute: "Whenever I'm about to do something, I ask myself: 'Self, would an idiot do this?'"

I suppose in this respect I live by the same code as Dwight. He's my favourite character, so it's only appropriate and fitting.

Either way, I feel truly lucky and blessed. I feel this every day. I am enjoying my life now, and as I've come to realize time and time again, God has taken care of me. Kind of like that Footprints poem: "During those times when you saw only one set of footprints? It was then that I carried you."

I am a living testament to God's enduring faithfulness; if there is one lesson I have learned this year, it would be that God answers prayers. I mean, everyone "knows" this - we want to believe that God will hear us. We want to believe that God will heal our loved ones, protect our friends, and care for those who need it. So we pray, because we believe that if we pray hard enough and ask sincerely enough, God will grant us the things we desire. Now, I am no stranger to having God say, "No, not right now". But I have come to realize that God always has an answer, even if it is not when I want or the one I want.

I applied for a job at an Art Gallery in Pikesville, MD earlier in March. I went to several interviews and shadow days, and I felt confident that I would get the job. When I got the call saying that they had chosen the other candidate, I felt disappointed and inadequate. The job search has been one that has tested the limits of my patience. I am also someone who desires security. For several months I have been feeling stressed about about the lack of a "plan" for my life. When I applied for the Annual Giving job at Messiah, I did not want to get my hopes up, knowing that I could be in the same position again. I had a Life Insurance job lined up as a back-up plan, but I was beginning to feel anxious about whether or not it would suit me. So, I told God that I was going to let Him decide (though I believe that He would have put me where He desired regardless of me surrendering my choice). God decided for me to be at Messiah, so here I am.

"When you are praying, do not heap up empty phrases like [some] do; for they think that they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for Your Father knows what you need before you ask Him." - Matthew 6:7-8.

I have never been good at memorizing verses, but this always comes to mind when I pray. I guess I could say that I live my life by this verse - especially after this year.

There was a time back in September when I did not think I could ever be whole again. I found myself standing in the shower of my apartment, completely and totally broken, unable to keep my heart from breaking. I stood there for a good long time, as I can recall, numbly letting the water run all over me, sobbing. This was not the lowest of lows of my life, but it certainly takes 2nd or 3rd place. It is times like these - times when I can look back with clarity - that I remember my prayers said during difficult times. Have you ever had such a great wish that you couldn't even formulate words to express how deeply you felt? The only thing I could do was cry and remember the verse from Matthew. I know that my heart was crying out for peace. I know that I had endured and suffered more than I ever thought possible, but I promised God that I would not give up and asked Him to watch over me and give me peace.

He did.

The things that I thought would certainly break me are now only testaments to the strength that God has given me. I am not a stranger to pain, but I have learned that my faithfulness will never yield.
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