Why I'm Single.

Let's take a personal, almost-non-art moment here, little blog.

I am not sure if I'm meant to be with someone for the rest of my life. I don't mean this is in a weepy, annoying "where is the right man for meeeee?!" way. In fact, the opposite. At the moment, I am happily single. I have been for three years. I can't deny that in the past it's been nice to be able to count on someone (I did have a 5 year relationship, afterall, and we were practically married), but part of me seriously wonders what the future will bring.

For the past year, I have been incredibly focused on getting my career to where I want it to be. I strongly and firmly hold onto the belief that my career will never wake up one day and tell me it doesn't love me, while a man? Well. After several boyfriends pulling this awesome tactic, it just leaves a woman ready to count on other things, and rightfully so. I can always count on myself, God, and my talents to be with me; who can blame me for relying on these instead of past disappointments? And the weird thing is, I'm just content. Sure, I have moments of loneliness, but I am overall content and focused. I really just want to have fun.

I guess the catalyst to this post was an incident out at the bar. Tonight I was out with some girlfriends, and we snagged a table near two friends in their mid-thirties. At one point, while one woman was screaming on the phone, her friend turned to us and shouted, "NEVER GET MARRIED!". To make a long story short, we got most of the horrifying story of this woman's divorce, and how she had to pick up the phone because this dude would apparently show up at her house if she didn't, and how she'd already called the cops on him several times. Apparently it got pretty ugly.

My friends seemed to just shrug it off after they left, but I took this to heart. I don't want my life to turn into Miller-Lites-and-screaming-matches-at-the-bar without me knowing it. I wish there was a better way to say this, but I simply don't put a lot of faith in the institution of marriage anymore. I mean, I want to. But there's not much evidence that it works out most of the time. I know if and when I say my vows, I want to mean them with all my heart, but I come from a broken home, and I learned at a very young age that in the end, it's everyone for themselves. My mother taught me how to be independent so I could always go on if I had no one else but myself. She taught me how to be strong, and how to count on myself instead of relying on someone else. Because you never know. And I've learned that the hard way.

When confronted with the possibility of maybe dating again, I feel I tend to shy away. I just prefer to do what I want, and I have no idea where I'm going to "end up", so the prospect of a boyfriend in this nomadic period in my life is sort of silly to me. All I know is that the only thing I'm ready to take seriously is my art, and my career. Art brings me so much joy and so much purpose, and that's all I want from my life right now.

Blackbird singin' in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly.
All your life; you were only waiting 
for this moment to arise.