Ready for sunny, sunny California. :)

You have my Attention

I love moments like these, where I can just sit and listen to the breeze through the trees outside my apartment. The noises of the passing cars comfort me; mainly because, when I was a kid, I lived on a busy road and heard cars all night through my open window. It was stifling hot because we had no AC... I used to lie with the sheets between my toes, listening to the cars passing me by. I love the heat of summer, and especially the thunderstorms and the hot rain. I used to feel so safe, with my dolls in the corner, and my arms cupped around my PuddleDuck and Kangaroo.

Tomorrow I will be potting all my little plant-babies. I love making things grow, and watching them take root and spread out in all my little pots. I'm growing an herb garden, and today I just got Monk's Hood, Purple Coneflower, White Ivy, and Daisies.

I am so excited about this Saturday it shouldn't even be allowed. All of my favourites in one place. Me, Amber, Sarah, Kori, DJ, Andrea, Katrina, BJ and the boys, and Chad, Cory, and Amanda :) It will be so nice to all be together to have dinner and then go out! Really, really excited!

For my Grad School Portfolio, a Work in Progress: Charcoal, Gesso, India Ink, Coloured Pencil, and Oil Colour (soon to be added)

How can I stand here with You, and not be moved by You?

I can't.

--
Find me here, speak to me
I want to feel You, I need to hear You
You are the light that's leading me
To the place where I find peace, again.

You are the strength that keeps me walking.
You are the hope that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose; You're everything.

And how can I stand here with You and not be moved by You?
Would You tell me how could it be any better than this?

--
I keep trying to write this blog post... I have deleted what I've written about 4 times now. Nothing I can say can compare to the raw honesty of the words above. They are exactly what I want to say. They are exactly what I want to say to God. I have such inexplicable joy in my heart. What have I done to deserve such good favour? Even when things seem out of control, these past few weeks I have been able to walk so closely with God, and in the midst of uncertainty, He has placed peace and surrender within my heart. I find myself never wanting to leave His side. I find myself walking in the rain beside Him, not running for shelter because I would rather be close than far away. I find myself weeping for joy at the hands of my maker, who knows me inside and out and gave me all of my talents. I look at every good thing in my life and I see Christ. I am so thankful for my art: my island in the tempest. When I make art, I feel God's presence because I can understand the joy of creating beauty to share with others. Our God must be a loving God; I know because I feel His fulfillment and light when I create. Only because I know that my God is faithful to me, could I have ever gone on from the things I have seen. What did I do to earn such good favour? That my God would never forsake me even when I cannot forgive myself and others for the things that have happened? That my God sees my fears and wraps me in His arms? That my God would inspire me in the blink of an eye and then move my hands with grace? Right now my fingers can't type what's in my heart; all I can do is repeat the words above. Right now my fingers ache to lovingly create something that would bring glory to the One who deserves all the glory, forever and ever.

"Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Jeremiah 31:12-14

Overworked, and definitely underpaid.

I'm tired of riding a rollercoaster where everything is great and I'm going at the speed of awesome one moment and tanking and crashing and burning and needing to reevaluate the next. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to operate successfully when I get so much mixed feedback.

My heart beats for so much more
than this daily grind
this halogen glow.

Art, because it's what rejuvenates. Some of you have seen it on my facebook. Please click for a larger view.

Shine Your light and let the whole see | I'm singing for the glory of the Risen King

I'm singing for the glory of You, my King.
Let mercy fall on me.
--
Sometimes it doesn't seem enough to take a moment to say thank you. Sometimes I have to pause and take a good look at my life; I am incredibly blessed. I have the self-destructive habit of letting my individual stresses bind together, allowing them to conquer my reason and my humility. I get so wrapped up in my day to day dealings with life that I forget My Saviour, I forget the good things in my life, I forget my health and my friends and my family. I let the darkness overcome me with despair and I forget that God has written promise and hope into every vein of my body.

My last post spoke of a great deal of anger; let it be known that my heart is often times filled with light. We all have our moments of darkness, and I don't question that I seem to have more shadowy corners than most. I am dealing with a great deal of hurt; I have asked God to forgive me for the choices I have made that have perpetuated that hurt instead of coming directly to Him to seek healing. I sought it in all the wrong places, I sought false, fleeting moments instead of lasting peace. And though I know that God has forgiven me, I cannot find relief because I still don't know how to fundamentally forgive myself for having such lapses in judgment I have always thought to be sound.

How lucky am I to have a Saviour who can pardon my weakness when I cannot comprehend it myself! How blessed am I to have a Saviour who can read my words of anger and betrayal and gently mold them into words of healing and restoration. This time last year I was creating work that explained God's Rejuvenation within my own heart, and though I don't feel quite ready right now, I know I will paint that picture again one day soon with the joy I originally felt.

For where there was darkness and desperate loneliness, now there is only hope and the determination to rise above. My thankful heart beats openly before Him;

it is like fresh, spring rain.
--

My Saviour, He can move the mountains,
My God is Mighty to save,
He is Mighty to save.

Forever, Author of salvation,
You rose and conquered the grave,
Lord, You conquered the grave!

So take me as You find me,
All my fears and failures,
Fill my life again.

If I ever got rich, I'd give a lot away.

I love the music of Lord of the Rings.

I read that the art we create in our minds is often better and therefore stifles the creation of work in reality. I suffer from this. I lay still, motionless, living in my mind, letting beauty fill in the gaps between my eyes. I am afraid that the things I achieve in my thoughts are too advanced for the work of my hands to conceive, let alone master.

I dreamed last night that I held a little blue sparrow in my hands. You strode through the door, and plucked its feathers, skinned it to the bone it in a matter of moments... and then left without a word, showing the true colours of your cowardice. As I watched your back, I wondered if I could ever forgive you. I looked down at the blood that speckled my hands and the tile floor. It evaporated, and behind me I heard a flutter. I turned and saw a peacock standing there; I followed it into the sunlight.

You say, "Seek and ye shall find." Please let me find, and soon. Some days I am filled with unspeakable anger, though it drives me to be the best I can be to show you exactly how strong I am; exactly how much I can endure; and how you cannot conquer me, how you cannot steal from me, how you cannot rob me again.

Everything precious to me seems lost.

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier!

What is there to say? My life is crazy mixed up, upside-down, ridiculousness one right after the other. All jam packed in the monotonous routine of the workday. How? I cannot tell you. I guess my emotions have been running all crazy. For once, I'd like to trade the thrill of the rollercoaster for the gentle hum of the choo-choo train. Maybe stopping to smell the flowers would be nice. I'd even enjoy the scenery.

Day off tomorrow =
1. Clean the apt.
2. Do my taxes.
3. Work on more work that I didn't finish today
4. Paint
5. Freddy/Dave's party <3

I'm not sure if I like this: [ Work in Progress ]


















"Our wisdom comes from our experience,
and our experience comes from our foolishness."

Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.

I am an impatient person.

[ Work in Progress <3 ]

What the title says. Playing with light :)

Click for a larger view