Oh Doubt, and the girl by your side.

There are many days when I am content to simply sit and watch the rain fall, watch the snow melt, watch over the lines I've made. Today is another one of those days when all of the bones of my body are aching to stretch out and work together to create art, but the constraints of my life won't allow them to.

6 inches of snow falling silently today, keeping my feet from touching the ground.

Home at midnight, in the office at 8am.

Don't get too excited.

Buzz Buzz Go My Ears

"I don't need to solve this case, and I don't need to look behind
I close my eyes, let the whole thing pass me by
There is no time to waste, asking why."

--

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel incredibly awful. I don't have an upset stomach, but everything I eat makes me turn away. I have piled on the blankets and cranked the heat to 70, but I am still shivering like crazy. My throat feels like I have a huge lump in it. My chest is constricted and hurts so bad when I breathe deeply. My ears ache. I don't feel "sick", but I feel way, way off. I want some tea in my Pooh Therapy mug, but I know I must sleep.

[ Random ]
My dreams have been crazy vivid as of late. Just watched Legend of the Seeker and the Office on hulu.com as my medicine, and now I want to crawl under the covers and not wake up tomorrow. Listening to old school music that brings back forgotten memories. Sometimes all I can do is shake my head at life and laugh. I really wanted to paint tonight, but my body wouldn't let me.

Everyone should listen to "Echo" by Trapt.

The world slows down, but my heart beats fast right now.

Maybe I retract the previous post... I'm still deciding. Saw some hopeful things this weekend; I was pretty impressed.

Funny how unpredictable life is; how we get to places we never thought we'd be. Today my thoughts aren't linear or logical - just a mix of everything. Drove up to Eastern last night with DJ and had a blast. I love all the new friends I've made - just quality, genuine people that make me laugh like no other :) Making friends has always come naturally to me, and it's one of the things I enjoy most in life. We all went out for some awesome food at this breakfast spot called Nudy's this morning. Oh man. I died and went to breakfast heaven as soon as I started in on my breakfast burrito. Got to hang out with some real chill people, and on Thursday I'm headed up to the Big Apple for 4 fabulous days of good food, photoshoots, fashion, art, city life, hanging out, and living the dream. It's going to be a beautiful thing. I live for the weekends.

When all is said and done, I love my life.

Boys are lame.

I'm becoming a nun.

Outerspace.Underwater

In all brilliant, stupid honesty

Where are you?
--

Meet me in outerspace.
I will hold you close if you're afraid of heights.

--

As Meredith so eloquently put it, "I am not all rainbows. I am a cloudy person who feels sorry for serial killers." I wish I could pretend that I was all smiles. I wish I could pretend that I don't have bad days where I feel myself breaking over and over again. I wish I was content being patient with where I am. I still think about all of my dead friends. I still am getting over the betrayals I have been dealt. I am still trying to find forgiveness in my heart for my stepmother. My migraines are a result of post-traumatic stress. I am still trying to reconcile my parents' divorce with who I am today. One thing that I do have is undying hope, and a drive to always fight for something better.

I wish I could've told you. I'm sorry I was not perfect for you.

Kisses aren't contracts.

I am slowly learning that there are things in life that you will want, but no matter how much you want them you cannot have them because they're not good for you; that you require more, that you deserve more.

Speechless on the brink of a new day.

I'm Still Breathing.

Life cannot be measured in flat lines
And people are not things we easily forget.
We can sometimes feel the passage of time
Like wind on our arms.
Fraying our clothes
We stand as one frail body
The center of our own universe;
Everything derived from a singular perspective
Goings ins and goings outs from the same source
And we go through denial, and joy, and pain, and celebration
As if it were the only thing in the world.
We forget that we can endure.
We remember that we are entirely our own.

The Dead Tree that Blooms Cherry Blossoms

"With a delicate soul, I don't claim to know much:
Except soon as you start to make room
for the parts that aren't you
it gets harder to bloom in a garden of love
Love love love."















Transitions. I can't help but wish that there were more constants in my life right now. Change is exciting, change forces us to grow and become stronger, change makes us adaptable and beautiful and flexible.





One of my deepest fears is waking up one day and not knowing myself.

Who knows where a free bird will land?

I don't want to fall another moment into your gravity.
Here I am and I stand so tall,
just the way I'm supposed to be.
But you're on to me and all over me.
--

I wish I knew what to say.
EDIT:
Ashirra l'adonai ki gaoh ga'ah
(I will sing to the lord for he has triumphed gloriously)

Praise God remaining constant though I am standing within the eye of the storm. Praise God for all the times He has never let me down, though I know I've doubted. Praise God for all the times He has never abandoned me, though I have abandoned Him. Praise God for closing doors that I shouldn't walk though. Praise God for guarding my heart.

In the arms of Your mercy I find rest.

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west?

--

Sometimes I'm too much of a dreamer. Sometimes I'm too much of a cynic. New relationships. Eating too little. Long hours. Non-stop dreams. Non-stop music. Planning. Train rides. Football games. Anxious sleep. Coffee to the max. Photography.

Walking, stumbling on these shadowfeet.





















I'll be found in You.

Awesome.

Honestly, I feel extremely jipped in everything.

Like a bone, like a bone: I'm so breakable.

No matter what, I will always trust in You.

I am becoming more and more aware that there are many things that are just too honest to say out loud; there are many things in this world that are unsafe; there are many things that can't be trusted; there are too many words that give too much of me away. The game of invincibility and invulnerability is sometimes too complex to play.




Do you remember when we didn't care?
I remember when we stole the night.

And You wait for me, and You wait for me.

I'm on the road to who knows where

'Look ahead, not behind,' I keep sayin'

There's no place to go where You're not there

On Your rope I hold tight, but it's frayin'.

I'll take everything from You

But You'll take anything, won't You?

Run away run away like a prodigal.

David Archuleta is my guilty pleasure.

"Memory's supposed to fade
What's wrong with my heart?
Shake it off let it go
Didn't think it'd be this hard."

Tell me why you're so hard to forget. This post isn't about who you think it is. It is about the last person I thought I would be missing, strangely enough.

My friends called me tonight from NYC. I would've given just about anything to be up there, too.

There are certain things I want in my life right now. And while I understand I cannot have them right now, I am determined to put all of my energy into working hard to achieve my goals. I have done it before and succeeded; I'll do it again.

"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."

Amen. Here I come.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same."

So long, status quo.

So, I think I met someone.

"After awhile you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security, And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises, And you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open, with the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child, And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for paths. After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really can endure... That you really are strong, And you really do have worth"

I have so many things that I want to do. The city has inspired me, and I just want to leap in. Waiting and working for better days. <3

2009|Happy New Year <3

I spent New Years in NYC. <3 I had the time of my life - I love that dang city! This whole break has been packed full of fun, good people, and relaxation :) I couldn't have asked for a better break! I was home for a few days for Christmas, got wonderful and very thoughtful Christmas gifts, saw some good friends from BMore, and then headed up to my Dad's house up in Philly on one of the foggiest days I've ever seen. The trees looked hauntingly glorious through the mist, and it took all of my willpower not to pull off to the side of the road and snap a few shots - it was deliciously eerie. Mmm. Got to Dad's and was promptly greeted by a lot of family members, pigged out, and played an awesome game of Catch-Phrase. My family is so down to earth and full of great people :) I love just catching up with them. Karen (my stepmom), Sarah (my sister), Laura (my cousin), and Aunt Joan and I all drank coffee and ate dessert and swapped gross bug/creepy-crawlie/animal stories, of which Laura and Aunt Joan have a lot because they lived in Indonesia for almost my whole life. The next day we opened more presents and watched the Cowboys get crushed by the Eagles. On Monday I drove back and then climbed aboard the bus for the Big Apple. I spent 2 days with my Aunt Margaret, Mom, and sister Grace; we took Grace to Rockefeller Center, and Saks Fifth Avenue, and looked at all the Christmas windows around the city - Macy's, Lord and Taylor, Saks - went to the chaotic American Girl Doll Store and Sephora and a bunch of other places. It was graaaand. Then Aunt Margaret walked me to the West side where I met two of my favourites: DJ and BJ. Once we stepped inside their apartment, I was promptly greeted by BJ's roommates, who are a genuinely wonderful and amusing bunch. We all made fajitas and played "Would You Rather...?", which is a fun but eye-opening and gross game. Met up with a few other people, played Kings, and went out for wings. I met this pretty awesome Australian guy who lives in London and travels to all these different countries and stuff - Spain, Italy, Sicily, the States, etc. Man, I wish I had that freedom! I loooove to travel and see new places. The next day we basically hung out, got subs at Lenny's, went to this kickin thrift store where I got gray pointy heels for $7.50, and then Erick and I played Wii for the entire afternoon. Pretty soon, I was eating Chinese food and making 7-Layer-Dip (which I got smack for because it was only 5 layers, but it turns out that all the compliments for how good it was made up for it!) for the party. The party was way too much fun, and I had the time of my life. There were tons of people and I made so many new friends <3 We all played each other in Wii Boxing, and I could beat all the boys :) Pretty soon it was midnight and we trucked it to Columbus Circle to watch the fireworks, which lasted longer than Independence Day, I'm pretty sure. And whoa mama was it cold. I felt like my hands were about to fall off. Lucky for me, I got this fabulous coat the day before heading up to NYC, so I was relatively warm... We got back and had a dance party and I was given a Sharpie which of course, according to tradition amongst my friends, means I get to temp-tattoo everyone. :) It was quite the hit. Then we all hopped in the hot tub out on their patio, which was legendary. I met so many awesome people, and everyone made me feel so welcome. I felt like I had always been part of the group. Truly wonderful people. <3 Fell asleep in BJ's room, affectionately titled "The Black Hole" since it has no windows, and woke up at God knows what time. Got breakfast at Cafe 71 and then hit up Starbucks (love!) and Urban Outfitters. Now. I know what love feels like the instant it hits you: that is what happened when I walked into Urban Outfitters today. I'd never been in one... and it's good thing because I'd be broke from buying all of their clothes <3 Then I sadly had to say goodbye (whilst being serenaded by Erick singing "I Will Remember You...", lol) and journeyed through the subways to Penn Station, hopped on my bus, and zombie-out/listened to music 'til I got home. Lucky for me, my whole family picked me up and we went out for Chinese food and tea. Tomorrow, I will hopefully be seeing my old but dear friend Leah and having a photoshoot :) And I've got a mind to scavenge through all of my old clothes and redesign them. I love New York City because it is so inspiring. Everywhere you turn you see uniqueness, artfulness, and diversity. I am happiest when I am surrounded by beauty and the city offers little opportunity to be away from it. All in all, it was the perfect way to start a fresh, new year. I have so many resolutions, but like I said in my last post, I will strive to live to my fullest, challenge myself, and move ahead. I will strive to live in harmony and beauty and to love every day of my life.