Old Memories, New Art.

I still think of you, you were my best friend... but I can't feel anything for you because of what happened.

"It took too long, it took too long, it took too long, for you to call back,
And normally I would just forget that!
Except for the fact it was my birthday
My stupid birthday!

I played along, I played along, I played along,
Rolled right off my back!
But obviously my armor was cracked,
What kind of a boyfriend would forget that?
Who would forget that!"

I never forgot, so we can never be together again.

I often think about what happened in my past relationships, and though it is sometimes hard to be single I am finding that it's nice to concentrate on who I am. Someone suggested taking time to celebrate the person I am and do the things I want. I am taking up photography. I will do more art. I will colour outside the lines. I am moving to New York City. I will be somebody.

How I miss the times when I let my hair down, when I shook it out, when I scribbled madly and made something beautiful, when I rocked out. When I didn't have to shove myself into work pants and trot around acting professional and pretend to be something I'm not when all I want is to be creative and touch others with my creation and be the fun, crazy, messy, beautiful me that I like best.

Finally, over break I got a chance to draw what I wanted.
Lyliac, my oldest and most beloved character, with new costume. She was a healer, light magess, and librarian. She lost all of her memories of her home and her husband, but keeps a tiny painting of her cherished son within the locket she's holding. Please forgive me for the sketch quality.

I'm burned out.
I'm burned out.
I'm burned out.
I'm burned out.
I'm burned out.
I'm burned out.
I'm burned out.

"This time I wonder what it feels like
To find the one in this life
The one we all dream of
But dreams just aren't enough
So I´ll be waiting for the real thing."

Why are we always so eager to know what the future looks like? For me, it's because I am hoping that the future will be brighter. I am hoping that the things I work hard on today will lead me to a place of satisfaction. I am hoping that someday there might be someone to share things with. The truth is, I have absolutely no idea what the future will look like and that terrifies me.

"That was like taking a bullet."

Oh, just shoot me now.

I don't get guys.

There are some women who are incredible; you learn so much from their example, and they remind you what it was like to love love love life and celebrate it every day. Without a single word, they challenge you to return to that place in which you learned something in every second, and felt all of your emotions clinging and climbing all over your skin.

People wonder why I'm so cynical

Sometimes I think I should just become a nun. I would not be a very good nun, this is for sure, but at least it would seem to solve some of my problems.

Met the sweetest guy tonight. What's your name? You look really pretty. You look like you're so much fun. I have no idea how to dance with a girl.

Now, here's the question of the day: why isn't it right when it's not you?
Now, here's the question of the century: if I'm so awesome, why do you all turn and run as soon as things might go somewhere? As soon as you might have to stick one damn toe out of your damn comfort zone? As soon as you THINK I might need something more, even though you never even had the bravery to ask, and if you did you would've found that I wasn't ready either? That all I wanted was to have fun?

I am convinced beyond all other persuasion that men lack 99.9% of the courage women possess. Daily I am impressed with the women in my life and how they handle different situations and relationships. I am constantly depressed with men's lack of courage and understanding. The women in my life inspire me with their confidence, while the men in my life disappoint me with their insecurities. I mean, grow some balls and come talk to me if that's what you want. It's not that hard.

GOSH.

The genius and talent in others always inspires me.

Self Portrait Work in Progress
























I miss painting so badly... I can't wait to go to Grad School. Someday. Someday.






"And I loved you... but I probably shouldn't."

"The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

I have often asked, "Who am I in Christ?" I'm pretty sure I know where I stand; God has given me many gifts, but this past Sunday's sermon brought up an interesting question when our pastor mentioned, "Who does God say you are?". This certainly wasn't the focal point of the sermon and was merely a thought in a sequence to lead to another point, but I found myself thinking entirely about this one question during the rest of the service (I still did try to pay attention, though!)

Who do You say I am?

I have no idea.

I hope You'd say good things, though. I am trying to make You proud.

It is extremely comforting to read and reread verses in which I am reminded that I am not alone in times of struggle. "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you,": I can think of no better encouragement. I am just trying to get through this time at work with air left in my lungs.

Work in Progress

Something that's been on my mind for awhile... not nearly finished. Lots of detail work to do. Click it for a bigger view <3

Is it alright that I really, really miss just hanging out with you...?

Reach for me, whoever you may be.

I wish there was someone to watch Lord of the Rings with me...

When I was a kid, I always hoped that there was a secret world out there - that'd I'd just have to get lost in the woods far enough - and I would be in the place I've always wanted to be... a place with magic injected into its very veins.

I still look from time to time.

"Come stai, Erin?" "Ai, sto bene? Dove sei la mia mente?"

I am not sure of what to say. I have so many things running all over my brain...

I am extremely frustrated and burnt out... but my callers make it all worth my while. I love them, and they rock so freaking hard. At least I am learning more and more about what I do and don't want... I can't help feeling like there's no one who understands how I feel. I have so much stress in my life, and I am just trying to wade through it as it claws farther up my neck. There isn't even really a light at the end of the tunnel. My exhausted heart just pounds before God, humbly asking Him to remind me that there is a brighter day in store, when things will be more certain, when things will be easier. All I can do is wake up each morning and do the things on my list and hope that relief will eventually come. Sometimes holding myself to a standard of excellence seems almost sadistic. But how can I slow down? If I do, it is reflected so poorly on me, and that is just unacceptable. I do not know how to fail at things. ...I would give just about anything to be a student again. I've been looking at grad schools, some here and there. Just doing research for the future, I suppose. I can't help feeling cramped here in PA. There is so much out there that I am just dying to experience and see and breathe in; and no matter how terrified of it I may be, I just want to dive in, even if it's by myself. Just anxious to matter. Just anxious to make a difference and share beauty with others. I know that that is why God made me. If the veins and cells of my hands can create something that will resonate within someone else, well, then I'll have found my contentment. I am truly humbled that God gave me the gift to make beautiful things, just as He is the creator of beautiful things - that He even poured one ounce of His creativity into me to share it with others is my greatest honour.

May it be an evening star shines down upon you
May it be when darkness falls your heart will be true
You walk a lonely road
Oh how far you are from home.

--
1. Taking my car in tomorrow, hopefully it will be more efficient afterwards.
2. Love my Hans Zimmer station on Pandora radio.
3. Sort of sad that my book is ending soon, but it means that I'll be able to get back to reading Sword of Truth. And I know I won't be able to put that one dooowwwnnn <3
4. CRAVING Gladiator and sushi like it's my job.
5. I never get a moment alone at the office, so it's incredible to have it now... I miss peaceful, reflective Erin time.