The earth stands still without You; we can only move because You made us to.
There are a million things that move and inspire and enthrall my heart. Sometimes the world is so beautiful that my heart hurts inside of my chest because it's too much to take in at once. One of God's most wonderful creations is colour. God bursts forth from all colours, reaching out, putting His fingerprints all over my heart, captivating me. God knows me so well; He knows exactly how to get my undivided attention.
I want people to look at me and to see a woman who is after God's heart.
I want to love You more tangibly; I want to seek You in every single moment of my life. I want to forget all of my hurts and doubts and fears and find real hope in You. I have become cynical; I do not trust anyone on this planet to care for me except for myself. I have known this since I was a child. My mother has always said to me, "Erin, no matter what - you must always be able to support and care for yourself". Perhaps this is the nature of my parents' divorce, but this is hardwired into me. I can only count on myself, for I am the only one would will be standing with me in the end, apart from God. This perspective is all the more enforced by my past relationships. And yet, I am still wondering, with broken curiosity and trembling fingers, if such a person exists: is there one person that God has made for me, who will stand beside me? I am terrified to find happiness. I have found it before, and it was turned off with almost robotic intentionality. When I find happiness, I do not give myself fully to it, I am still shy and distant because I am afraid of this very thing happening. I have since learned that it will inevitably happen - it is only a matter of time before happiness simply ceases to exist and I am left alone, still trying to recover from the shock. I want to believe that God loves me enough to design such a person for me: someone who sees me as I am, who sees my fears and understands them, someone who will not give up on me because they are afraid. I want to believe this; understandably, I am sometimes doubtful. But I think that maybe the lesson I need to learn is not that I should not ever open myself up to another; perhaps the lesson here is that I need to find this completeness and happiness in God first.
I am starting to learn. Everyday I learn. Everyday I grow. I am moving on in the best way I know how. Praise God for women; He designed them to be such wonderful creatures. I am thankful beyond words for the counsel and fellowship of my friends.
As I go on in my life, even when everything else seems uncertain and unpredictable, I have always been able to come to You in my weakest moments, when I surely thought I would not see the light of another day, and You have always always always been faithful to me. I doubt and I struggle on a daily basis, and You know my inmost thoughts; You made me into who I am. Thank You for the ability to create beautiful things and share them with others - You know better than anyone the joy of creation! I will stand by You always, even if I stand by nothing and no one else.
Everything I am is for Your glory; everything I am for You, Lord.
