For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord

So what can I say?
And what can I do?
Than offer this heart, O God,
Completely to You.

So I'll stand,
With arms high
And heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all.
And I'll stand
My soul, Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours.

--
Everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame.
My heart and my soul
I give You control
Consume me from the inside out.

--
Ps. 81: 5-6: I heard an unknown voice say, "Now I will take the load from your shoulders I will free your hands from their heavy tasks. You cried to me in trouble and I saved you. I answered out of the thundercloud and tested your faith."

I know that somewhere there is a plan for me.

Where are the signs?
Which way should I go?
I planned each step,
But now I don't know.
Tomorrow is a chasm of uncertainty,
But I will go there
If You go with me.

Gentle Saviour, lead me on.
Let Your Spirit light my way.
Gentle Saviour, lead me on.
Hold me close, keep me safe, lead me on.
Gentle Saviour, lead me on.

But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

More and more every day.

This is my deepest wish.
--

God, You know the most sincere desire of my heart. I have asked for it for all of my life. I ask for it every day. I will continue to wait on Your time, because I know it is perfect. Show me the way.

Ahhhh I have no time for art! :( :( :(

Patience is a Puzzle Lost in the Attic

Today I was chatting with one of my coworkers and she said something I don't think I've ever really considered before. We were talking about being patient during difficult or exciting times, and she said this: "You must remember to be patient with yourself". My breakup with Andrew has been internally very disquieting. While difficult at the time, it is especially hard now to look at myself and not see all of my insecurities. I operate under the assumption that whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger - and that has never, ever been untrue for me. That experience was certainly a time of growth, pain, and learning for me; it has made me stronger in many, many ways and I am grateful for the things I have come to discover about myself, the world, love, and God. I am a problem-solver; if I find a problem, if I recognize it, I assume that I have the ability to systematically rid myself of it. I think of it this way: I think of my mind as an attic with boxes everywhere. When I speak about recognizing problems, I tend to visualize things that are out of order in my attic. To rid myself of this problem, I feel as though I should be able to simply pick up those things that I'd rather not have there anymore and put them in an empty box, and then put the box outside of my attic in the dumpster. Funny thing is that after I come back in from the dumpster, I find all of those things back on the floor of my attic, scattered about. This week has especially been a challenge, as I had felt that I had started to finally clear some of that stuff out, but it's like someone came in with a truckload of crap and dumped it all about in disarray, messing up my order of things and swamping me with old memories that are too painful to even say here.

And then my coworker said, "You must remember to be patient with yourself". Patient with myself? No no, I had never considered this. I see something on the floor, I pick it up and immediately put it into the empty box for the dumpster. I had never considered that perhaps I could not do that right away. She spoke about being in the time you are in instead of wishing for things to happen more quickly. For me, this means living - however painfully - with my fears instead of immediately shoving them out the door and wondering why they won't go away the instant I shut them out. She spoke about waiting for God because His timing is perfect. This I have come to find to be very, very true. There are so many things that I thank God for on a daily basis; I surely would not have survived by my own flawed guidance. Funny thing is that, now that I think about it, I have only ever asked God for peace and patience in this situation. I have never thought to ask Him to heal me. I assumed that I would heal myself; perhaps this is why I was so quick to get rid of all my "garbage". This is my way of healing. Perhaps this is why I still haven't healed.

This is where I must shake my head and laugh. Here I am, thinking I have myself figured out - thinking I have God figured out - and bam. Surprise. I can't heal myself. Why did I even think I could? Perhaps all of my boxes were too heavy for me to get out the door by myself; they become so much more manageable with someone to help me carry them.

Truly laughing out loud as I write this in my office. I feel like I have found the one puzzle piece that has been missing for 20 years under the couch, and now I can complete the puzzle and see the whole picture.

"You have been more faithful than the morning sun.
You have been more faithful than knowing night will come.
You have been more faithful than the changing of seasons."

I always like to pull up behind people with lots of bumper stickers on their car.

The only medicine right now is hitting the notes perfectly.
--
How do you leave the past behind
When it keeps finding ways to get to your heart?
It reaches way down deep
And tears you inside-out
'til you're torn apart.

Sometimes the best things don't come right away.
They are deliberated upon and dwelt upon
Until no other answer could be clearer or more solidified.
The certainty and conviction is what makes it all the more true.
The passing whim passes,
The heated moment subsides.
But you.
You deserve so much more than a passing whim
Or a heated moment.

God, I've made so many mistakes.
Every time I think about you I get so angry.
All the money in the world buys you absolutely nothing as far as I'm concerned.

Hope hope hope

I am Speechless.

The sun is breaking in your eyes
To start a new day.
This broken heart can still survive
With a touch of your grace.
Shadows fade into the light.
I am by your side,
Where love will find you.
--

What it was that I did for You to bless me in ways I can't even speak about without my eyes watering with joy?

There's the strangest excitement today; if you're awake then you're welcome to hear.

There's so much.

God is awesome like words can't describe.
I love love love to sing.
I can't wait for Friday :D
I love stand-up comedy.
I am so encouraged.
I love paychecks.
I love Art History.
I love looking pretty <3

--
I swear I'll melt if you touch me at all
and then I'll ask you to do it again and again.

In my life, he has burst like the music of angels,
the light of the sun.
And my life seems to stop as if something is over,
and something has scarcely begun.

--

I have decided. Finally.